My mind is no match for yours and yours is no match for mine. Our minds are our watch dogs. They keep us safe. They jump into action when we are in danger. Even though they can execute seemingly limitless acts they operate on a level that does not, and cannot, encompass all that we are. They have a specific job and they do it amazingly. Many people have channeled their mind's abilities to live very successful lives...on the outside, but to live to our fullest potential which means living successfully on the inside we must not let our minds rule our lives. Our minds are taskmasters, but they should not always choose the tasks. They keep us safe, but they can, also, prevent us from growth because growth can be scary. Change, stepping out of our comfort zones, traumatic past experiences, facing our survival patterns and many other of life's challenges can easily be associated with the type of fear that our minds are designed to protect us from. If our ability to love is the epitome of living to our fullest potential then allowing our minds to control our lives can imprison us in a perceived fear that does not actually exist, but rather only reminds us of one that could or once did. Our minds are amazing instruments and left to their own devices can convince us of anything. It is in these moments when we need to rely on one of our other amazing instruments. Our hearts. Our hearts truly are limitless. They stretch beyond reason into the realm of the unexplainable.
The more we learn to trust our hearts and push ourselves through something we think we should be afraid of the more growth we will experience and the more love we will be able to give and receive. I wish you would just trust your heart and how you felt when we were together, not what your mind is telling you since we've been apart.
My plan was to drive up and drop you off another card and flowers, today...and maybe a gift;) but I was afraid of making you uncomfortable. To be more honest, I was afraid that you would reject me. Not contacting you and just dropping you off something for your birthday was the safest solution, but I decided that was chicken sh*t. The less romantic and scarier idea was to simply call you and tell you that I was willing to drive up to do something nice for you on your birthday so that's why I called, but you didn't answer. Today is your day. It's not about me so I just left you a simple voicemail. I'm sorry for anything I have said, written or texted that may have hurt you or triggered your mind into misunderstanding it. I'm sorry that I wasn't better at showing you my love, but I'm still trying and someday if I survive the situation I got myself into down here I will succeed and you won't need to read long texts, emails or posts about my attempts to love you. You won't even need to hear me talk about it. You will just feel it. You will know it. You will see it. I WILL find a way. Until then...
I love you. Happy Birthday.
Love is a subjective and overused word. When I say that I love you, I don't mean to imply that I am unrealistically heartsick for you. I think romantically we were both excited about the possibility of coming together on that level, but I know that ship has sailed. It became clear that you had made your decision, but regardless I meant what I said. This is not about me keeping my word in some sort of obligatory way. It is about me staying true to my word because what I said was and is true. I wouldn't have said it if it wasn't true. I don't have a choice. I love you. I knew it the moment I saw you (and, no, it wasn't just because you are pretty!:). If I can't have you then so be it. It's not going to stop me from finding another way to love you. Love is just a word to some and talk is cheap.
C'mon, did you really think I'd give up on us that easy?
You are a warrior combating the negative energy around you. Maybe I am your warrior combating anything that tries to separate us. (ya know, in a romantic chivalrous way not in a creepy stalker kinda way -which is why I'm letting you find these truths here if you so desire instead of adding more drama to your life. The sun is always shining behind the clouds in our minds:)
I know I opened a can of worms the other night in that super long text. I'm sorry about that. It was late, I was tired and my head was full of other stuff I still needed to do, but stubborn me still wanted to try and clear the air between us so we could go back to benefiting from finding each other in whatever way it's destined to be. Stubbornness can be frustrating, but it is, also, an asset under the right circumstances. It allows us to persevere when others would quit. The art is learning how to apply it in the healthiest way.
None of what has happened is your fault or mine. We were only trying to get certain needs met through each other and for a little while we were, but the specific details of our lives prevented us from continuing, at least, not without doing a little work. There's no blame, at least, not on my part.
For me, I have too much time and room in my life for you.
For you, you don't have enough time and room in your life for me.
These are simply facts. There's nothing about them to take personally.
If I lived in Brunswick, none of this would be an issue because we could see each other all the time. I know for me, if just getting a few texts from you throughout the day was enough to make my life go from lonely to amazing because of all the work I've already done, getting to see you once in a while would send me to the moon;) And I'd like to believe that me being around to do stuff with you and with the boys, if you felt it was ok, would complete your life in a lot of ways, too, but I realize, now, you may not feel the same way about me which is fine.
Being a guy and a late bloomer physically I learned how to spot unhealthy relationship choices which prevented me from getting sucked into any. Growing up in an isolated alcoholic home tortured my heart so much that I had to leave and head out on my own the result being an extremely lonely and painful path. Couple with this all my uniqueness that makes me like no other person, regardless of being unaccounted for, like my amazing heart and all my abilities and the result is who I am, today, still learning, still growing and still glowing.
What would happen if these two people met, now? Well, we already know what would happen. We may be two of the luckiest people on the planet who got to experience this amazing coming together of energies.
At least, I still believe it was amazing. The next question is "Have the details of our lives which are still battling over our hearts convinced us since this experience that it wasn't real thus preventing us from experiencing it, again?"
At one point, I even thought to myself "Maybe Lauren and I are too much alike."
Being apart after seeing one another has messed with our heads this early on, but put us next to each other physically, again, and it will all go away.
Your hearts is your compass that guides you to become who you are destined to become.
We can live out our stories or we can live out our destiny.
This is our choice. This is free will. We may be the only creatures on this planet who are given this choice.
Some may never decide or even realize it is a decision bouncing through life living a little of each continually torn.
Some may play it safe and choose to only live out their stories letting their minds rule their lives.
Some, the few, may choose to live out their destinies letting their hearts guide their lives while using their stories to embody the lessons they've learned.
So maybe free will is the choice between letting our minds rule our lives abusing the strength of our hearts to do its bidding OR letting our hearts guide our lives to spread love and harmony while relying on our minds to serve this purpose like the good little workers that they are.
The final question may be "Do our hearts choose our stories so we can show the world how to conquer them?" If we choose to ignore this challenge, will we be back in our next life to ignore it, again and again? The time is now. It is always now.
Love, to me, is like sunshine. It shines on everyone good, bad, ugly or beautiful. Our choice is to either live in the shadows or stand in the light. We cannot force anyone to face the truth about themselves if they are not ready. It could easily backfire and they could end up hating us for it rather than the lie they are still unknowingly trapped in. For those who want love, but are scared I wrote this poem two years before you and I met, down at the very spot where we met. I can't remember if I ever shared it with you.
(Thompson's point, summer of '99)
I want nuthin from no one, but I want it all.
I want nuthin from no one cuz that's how I fall.
The answer's a secret that no one will tell
But I'm gonna give it away once I make it through hell.
My heaven is freedom though some days I'm stuck
But there's no one to blame so I scream “What the....!!”
Yet no one can hear me cuz I scream it alone
And when I need you I turn off my phone.
So if it once was so good and now is so bad
And you want back the safety that you once had
But you love the river, the grass and the sun,
Don't blame them for being when a new days begun.
Just keep your eyes shut and it'll always be night.
You can control what you see with your own little light
But you'll never know happy if you don't face your pain.
Just like you'll never know cozy if you never know rain.
You can still take a shower and wash off your dirt
But you better scrub hard cuz it's not from the earth.
Your light is too little compared to the sun.
You only go backwards when you try to run
But please don't feel stuck cuz you're not alone
For now I don't need you and I've turned on my phone.
I sit by the river and wait out the storm.
My faith is my blanket til the sun makes me warm.
And though I want nuthin from no one, I still want it all.
Now I spread out my wings when I start to fall.
So if you are like me and you want it all, too,
Don't go backwards. Go forwards. Heaven's waiting for you.
Go down by the river or go lay in the grass.
They have the answers if you have the courage to ask.
And if you see a bird in the sky high above,
You'll know who it is once you've learned to trust love.
So love is my secret and I hope it is clear.
That you don't know what I mean is my biggest fear.
Though bigger that that I'm afraid you won't try
Though I've seen you smile when you look up at the sky.
So I guess I will leave you unconditionally free
To choose what you want and I'll be like a spot under the shade of a tree.
(or on a secret webpage made for you or in a campa down in Marshfield or by a river up in Maine:)
I know you need to focus on your boys and I should be helping you do this, not distracting you from it. When everything hit with them that first day it was the same day you had pulled away from me earlier to process our phone conversation from the day before and I sensed it so I pulled away too unwilling to enter into a relationship knowing you still had a boyfriend. These are the types of details I referred to earlier and how our minds react to them. Once you were single, I tried to make myself available, but it seemed you were already gone and my attempts seemed to push you further away. Hey, if you're not attracted to me or have other reasons you no longer feel how you felt, that's cool. It's not going to hurt my feelings, but I will not let our minds divide us. I will not let our pasts, what we've been through or anything else tarnish what we had for two nights and a couple weeks, not even you.
Orrr if you don't want to fall in love with me, but just want another back rub that can be arranged;)
Orrrrr none of the above, das cool. Later skater. Guess I haven't met my match, yet:P
The truth is I've been afraid, afraid to talk to you about our difference in beliefs because I was afraid it would come out wrong and I'd hurt you or you'd turn on me or I'd lose you as a friend so I was going to wait until we had some downtime together and ask you about it in the most non-judgmental way, but we never got the chance to have any downtime. All the time we had together was definitely up. And, now, you're gone so I screwed this up anyways. I guess I have nothing to lose at this point. The truth is I don't understand how you could have a boyfriend and say the things you said to me and do what you did with me. The other reason I didn't try anything with you either of those nights was because I could never trust my heart to someone who was capable of doing what it seemed like you were doing. It wasn't easy because I really do like you and wanted to believe that you are like me and that I just didn't understand the situation fully. I wanted to believe that once we did talk about this issue you were going to explain it to me in a way that I wasn't seeing then I'd feel relieved and we could truly love each other on every level.
No one can ever blame two people for falling in love. If it is true love, all anyone can do is accept it, even celebrate it, because that's what we're all here to do is to accept the truth and live our lives according to it. If everything you said to me is true then we have found true love, Lauren, because I have felt the same things. I may not have said to you all the things that you said and wrote to me which may have made you doubt my feelings for you and triggered a lot of bad feelings instead. I don't know, but I do know that I was feeling all the same feelings you were. I just believed if it was true love then we needed to be thankful and use it as a blessing to show everyone including your ex-boyfriend how good people handle tough situations, first. Finding true love, being gifted or even just being attractive does not give people permission to do the wrong thing. It's supposed to empower us to do the right thing. The right thing to me was to tell him the truth. Like I said, no one can blame anyone for finding true love, but they can take issue with how it is handled.
I think I told you during our first phone conversation a couple months ago about a girlfriend I had when I was 25; she was 24. She was the first person to show me what love felt like. We were lying on a bed, or couch, I can't remember, (fully clothed), but she could see how rigid my body was though I hadn't even noticed. She physically took her hand and went over every inch of my arms, shoulders, back, etc. telling me to fully relax every muscle as she went. It might have been the first time in my life when I was fully relaxed since I was a little boy. The reason I'm mentioning this, now, is because when she and I met, she had a boyfriend. She lived in Boston and he lived in Maryland. They were more like besties than boyfriend and girlfriend, at that point, having been together since college. I think they both knew they were just going through the motions procrastinating about breaking up. When she and I met, we agreed we shouldn't do anything until she talked to him and she immediately did. He and I actually kind of became friends and I even visited him a couple times when I was passing through Baltimore in my travels. This is how good people handle things.
I came very close to contacting your boyfriend to come clean about everything. I couldn't be anyone's secret. I felt like it was making me an accomplice. I felt like you not telling him was a betrayal of his trust and if you could do it to him why wouldn't you eventually do it to me someday? He deserved to know. I tried to go with the flow and not be so "rigid" in how I thought and instead trust you to handle it honestly. I know I said that the reason your relationship with him wasn't working had nothing to do with me and that is true, but that doesn't absolve us of behaving how we did while he still thought you were his girlfriend. We don't get to play god with the truth. I still participated in what we were doing and take full responsibility for it because I know I am loving person, but this doesn't make me an exception to the rules of treating people with honesty and consideration. It requires me to uphold these values even more. Call me self-righteous if you want, but I know when something feels right and when it doesn't. And on a side note, I've been talking a lot about feelings on here, but this doesn't mean I'm not a bad ass. I'm still an alpha who is first to meet the wolf at the door, unfortunately for the wolf. I throw down, break shit, fix shit, build shit, but never hurt a person's heart if I can help it.
So here's the good news, love and truth are never judgmental. Nothing is broken or unfixable. I've handled things a lot more challenging than this and come out clean like phoenix on the other side;) If there's anything to salvage between us, maybe all that needs to happen is an honest conversation if we ever get the chance. I don't know, but I do know that I know how to navigate through anything in life honestly. If you're not sure, then follow me and I will show you. The difference between a good person and a bad person isn't that one makes less mistakes. We all make mistakes. This is how we learn. The difference is one has the courage to look at a mistake if they've made one and own it. The other type of person won't. I know I've made plenty of mistakes. Maybe I'm making one, right now, but it doesn't matter if I'm willing to stand up, own it and do whatever I need to do in order to make it right. I am. Fear is the opposite of love and you already know this. Trying to control things is a form of fear and I'm sorry I wasn't more upfront about all this in the beginning. I was afraid of losing you even as a friend and I let that fear influence my behavior. I guess the truth is I never had you. You were on the screen on my phone, not really here. Maybe that's why getting to be with you those two nights was so magical. We live in a crazy time. Oh btw, I put a hidden counter on this page so I know you're reading this, dork. Love you!