last updated 4.14.24

March 28, 2024, Montague, Massachusetts The grand canyon came back a few days ago and I've been in the trenches. I thought I was clear of this happening anymore. It's been so disappointing that I didn't even want to acknowledge it by writing about this setback, but I have to be honest. There's no point in any of this if I'm not. I guess it happened because I didn't immediately dive into my last couple of construction projects that I need to do before I can hit the road. I was planning on doing them. I even bought all the materials I needed, but then I stopped. I think this is the reason I found myself falling back into the void because those projects would have allowed me to become self-contained. I still have too many storage bins on the back of the trailer, but I'm not entirely sure that this is the reason and I won't be until I fix this problem. After pulling the stove onto the porch to make maple syrup, I enjoyed having the extra room this created inside the house. Granted a full size oven range isn't exactly gigantic, but it's all relative when living in tight quarters. Regardless, I liked the additional space and didn't want to go back to how it was and this meant that instead of building a loft and small temporary bathroom, I should build the addition onto the house like I've been planning. The weather's getting warmer and I have a nice quiet place to work on projects. This seems like a smarter choice than building temporary solutions. I have a sh*t ton of energy and I haven't been getting enough exercise lately. Tackling these projects would have kept me occupied enough to hold back the flood gates until I lined up a new job in a different part of the country. Now that I'm going to stick around and start a bigger project, I need to find more work to pay for it. I'm not going back to the guy who I was helping out. The last three days I worked for him, we were blowing insulation into the rafters of a giant industrial warehouse which consisted of me teetering on a 20ft. sissor lift fully extended standing on a step ladder on top of this holding a big blower hose as insulation blew back in my face all day while he stayed down on the ground where he was supposed to be keeping the machine full, but was often too busy looking at his phone so I'd have to yell down to get him to do his job. I even took the machine apart and fixed it one day when it stopped working without so much as a "Wow, thanks." He can barely bend over and pick something off the ground. I doubt he could even climb into the scissor lift. I had to buy a $40 respirator even though he said he was going to pick some up for us, but never did so when I checked with him the morning we were going to start blowing more insulation and he still hadn't, I bought myself one. I was getting bloody noses at night from breathing the stuff in all day. Not once did the words "please, thank you" or "good job" come out of his mouth, yet I use these words all the time when working with others not to be subservient; it's called being professional. I wanted to tell him off, but after I got paid it just wasn't worth it. He asked if I'd be around on Monday, but I just looked him in the eye and shook my head. He got a good deal while it lasted. I've sent out a couple emails to some farms in the area and I'm going to keep looking. Technically, I'm ok and could pay for all the materials I need to build the addition plus everything I already bought can be used, but I like having a safe buffer between living paycheck to paycheck so it doesn't seem smart to risk starting the project until I have some more money coming in. Anyways, I think this is what has brought on my loneliness relapse. Haven't heard from missButterfly in a while, but sadly I think this might be a good thing. I called her on Sunday (today's Thurs.) only to make sure she was all set with her upcoming appointment with DCF regarding the homeschooling issue. This was the hard time she mentioned that she was having weeks ago. I didn't realize it was with the DCF (Department of Children and Families). From what I understand, they're not the most pleasant agency to deal with. MissButterfly told me that she learned that they receive a lot of money whenever they take children out of a home so there's a financial incentive for them to make this their primary goal which is very scary. I wanted to make sure she wasn't going to the appointment alone, but she said her brother and mother were going with her and told me she'd call and let me know how it went, but I haven't heard from her. Her children are surrounded by love and family. They have an amazing life and the only reason missButterfly got mixed up with the DCF is because she refused to fill out some bureaucratic form meaning she created the mess herself. Unfortunately in the world we live in, it's often not a matter of right or wrong even though it should be. It's a matter of keeping the awful parts of our system out of one's life. Part of me wants to call again to see how it went, but I don't think I should. I've shown her enough that I care. If I do more than this, she might get the wrong idea and I can't risk hurting her. If I had to guess, I'll probably hear from her eventually maybe in a few days or a few weeks. There's no guarantee and I have to be fine with this. April 14, 2024, Montague, Massachusetts Well, I got kicked in the gut, again. The circumstances of my life are what make it weigh heavier than it should. Just like last winter, I'll pull out of it if I focus on bettering my situation rather than dwelling on my mistake. Spring is here and there's plenty of work available. None of it is exactly what I'd prefer to be doing, working on a farm, but I can't commit to a whole season because I should leave here no later than July and it wouldn't be nice to quit a farm job in the middle of the summer when they need people the most, toxic work environments like the place I worked at last summer not included. I actually bumped into the office manager from there while out doing errands last week. She called out my name in the isles of a store and I almost didn't recognize her. She had such a big smile on her face that she looked like a different person. She had just quit, too, after over 4 years. She's working for a different farm now and so much happier. I might have to grow a thick skin and take any kind of heavy physical work if it's only going to be for a couple of months. I'm eager to put some meat back on these bones. I'm so tempted to just start buying materials and build the addition onto the tiny house, right now, but I don't want to stress about money so I'm being patient. I ordered another charge controller for my fancy new solar panel and that should arrive in a day or two then I can start using it. That'll be cool. Having two batteries has given me lots of extra electricity, but charging them with such a powerful panel will be butter. When I was hooking it up last week, I accidentally fried the charge controller I had. I learned the hard way that you should never hook up the panels first. The controller needs to be connected to the batteries beforehand so that way when you hook up the panel(s) the electricity coming from them has somewhere to go. This hasn't been an issue in the last couple years because I've only been using my small backpack panel which doesn't generate enough electricity to fry anything, but it was super sunny the other day and there was a lot of power coming out of the big new one when I connected it to the controller. Within a few seconds smoke was spilling out around the little buttons on the front of it. Wups. Lesson learned. It was only 12 bucks to replace it. I ordered it online. It'd be more like 50 at a store. I'm not ready to write about my other mistake, yet. Still pulling my head out of my *ss. Previous posts 2016 2017 2018 2019 2020 2021 2022 2023 January 7, 2024, Montague, Massachusetts I need a sled. We got our first real snow of the winter this week and the field my tiny house is parked in has a gradual slope which gets pretty steep at the top where I am. I'm not sure if I can make it all the way down to the road from here, but it'd be fun to try. I could probably use the lid off one of my big storage bins. I'm sure I'll have a few empty ones by the time I'm all packed up and ready to hit the road. It's great that I even want to go sledding. It's been a long journey back to the playful happy person I knew I could be. The unforgiveness of the road makes me cautious to celebrate how good I feel, but I can do both, respect the road and celebrate the joy of being alive, if I do it with discipline. I'm going to try and write more consistently, too. I've gone without it long enough which is fine, but if I look at it as a form of work by documenting the social experiment that has become my life, not a crutch for a vain ego, it seems like a worthwhile effort. Not sure if I'll post it in the blog, though.(uploaded 2.19.24) January 11, 2024, Montague, Massachusetts Eleven great days and counting. This must be some kind of record. At least, it is for me. I got some stuff done, today, enough to call it a productive one. I finished building 4 extra feet of deck space onto the back of the trailer to fit my 14.5' kayak so it's not sticking off the end. I like it when things look neat and organized, not cluttered. I loaded the kayak, generator, stock tank -that's a galvanized metal tub for feeding livestock or a bathtub for a redneck off-the-gridder like me, bike trailer and big deck box which I assembled this afternoon with most of my tools in it onto the flatbed section of the tiny house trailer and it all fits nicely and uncluttered with plenty of room for a motorcycle if I choose to get one. I'll build a rack for the kayak and my mountain bike next. Today, I just wanted to see if everything fit. I'm still getting over a little cold that I got from my buddy, mr.Model, last week when I flew to Tennessee to look at some land with him. We spent three days driving around in a rental car together with him coughing the whole time. No biggie. I'll survive. He's back down there again, today, but I'm up here in western Mass sitting on my couch which I built just before Christmas in case I had any company, but I didn't. We had a couple sunny days earlier in the week and that's all I need to charge up my deep cycle battery in order to have the lights on in the house. It's a pretty simple life when being able to turn a light on at night is cause for celebration, but it is. Wouldn't have it any other way. It's a little after 5 so it's dark outside and the temperature is dropping. I just finished putting my tools away. It's nice and warm in the house so much that I just turned off the furnace which I, also, installed just before Christmas in case I had company, but I didn't. It has a built in thermostat so it will turn off once the temperature in the room reaches 70. I've still got layers of work clothes on so I don't need it that warm, right now. I keep it off to conserve propane. I'll install one of my mini-rocket-mass-mason stoves as a primary heat source once I design another one. For now, the furnace works great. It takes all of 3 minutes to make it nice and warm in here, one of the perks of living in a phonebooth. I thought I was going to have company because when I drove to Maine earlier in December to register the trailer -I still have Maine plates and a Maine driver's license. If I got a new license and registration every time I moved, it would amount to thousands of dollars. Sorry, I'm not going to penalize myself for trying to live a simple and free life. Maine is where I've lived the most. Anyways, I realized that I'd be driving right past missFlowerchild's town which is about an hour and a half away from here so after a few minutes of contemplation I decided that I'd feel bad if I drove that close to where she lives and didn't say "Hi" so I texted her. It was a little too spur of the moment for her to have me stop by that evening, but she asked me to let her know when I'd be driving through on my way back so I did. I didn't realize until I was sitting at her kitchen table the next afternoon that I wanted to apologize to her for not being a better friend over the last few years. Now that I'm doing so well, I can see just how poorly I was doing when we met in 2020. It was a nice moment and I gave her a big hug as I went to leave. Before I arrived, she told me that she had stuff to do at 3pm so I knew it was going to be a quick visit. At that point, I was still sleeping on the floor of the tiny house at night which had no front door so I was eager to get back because I had plenty to do, too. Next thing I knew we were making out and she was stuffing her hand down the front of my pants. I've got to be careful who I hug in 2024. Those things are dangerous. Before I left, the next day, she eagerly told me that she'd be in Montague the following week for the winter solstice which she celebrates with a group of women she meets with every year so I assumed I'd see her when she was in my town, but I didn't even hear from her. Not sure why. She's definitely still living the polyamorous lifestyle so maybe she had a different dude lined up already. It's a little odd that she was excited to tell me that she'd be just down the road from where I live and then crickets. Oh well, easy come easy go, I guess. I'm definitely not living the poly lifestyle and never will be. It hurt for a couple days that she drove all the way out here and didn't even say "Hi" while she was in town, but that was last year. All better now. The way I look at it is maybe it was a blessing in disguise. The possibility of having company motivated me to build the front door and buy a furnace. Now, if I ever do, it'll be cozy and warm in here.(uploaded 2.19.24) January 12, 2024, Montague, Massachusetts Before heading into Turners Falls to do laundry, I carried the deep cycle battery over to the spot in the field that slopes to the south and attached my little solar panel to it so it could charge while I was gone doing errands. It looks pretty funny sitting in the grass beside missLuna's giant array of panels that she has for her house. Picked up some paraffin lamp oil at the hardware store for the nights when I don't have electricity and a couple of 12 foot 2x4's at the lumber yard for a kayak rack. I've got to order a lift-spring for the small enclosed trailer's ramp door. It was missing one when I bought it this summer and a person can't lower the door to load stuff into it without one. The door would crush you. They're very heavy hence having a spring assist mechanism. I just used the front ramp door and the other side door all summer. Of course, I'm going to order one for the big door in the back and install it before I sell it. I'd like to find a little more work before I hit the road, too. I don't like spending money when I'm not making it, but finding short term work isn't always easy. Selling the enclosed trailer will help a little and it needs to happen before I leave anyways. I've already moved a lot of stuff out of it and into the tiny house, but I might have to part with a few things. We'll see. It's going to be close. I've learned a lot from living as a happy person even if it's only been for a couple weeks. I'm sure I've been happy before at other times in my life. I just didn't realize or appreciate it like I do now. I remember an expression that I used to use when I was in my early 20's. "You won't recognize heaven unless you've been through hell." I thought it was something deep and cool to say. What did I know then about either heaven or hell, a middle-class white boy from suburbia? Anyone who's been through their own personal hell knows that it's got less to do with what's on the outside and more to do with what's going on in the inside. Everyone's rock bottom is different. For some, it could be lying in the gutter down a dark alley holding an empty bottle in a paper bag. For others, it could be losing it all in the stock market. For anyone, it's what drives a person to consider making the kind of fatal decision that you can't take back. However, let's be clear. A poor child starving in Somalia knows a little more about hell on the outside than a spoiled rich kid in America. We can't judge one another based on the lot in life we were born into. If these two children switched places, the Somalian child would grow up a spoiled American and the rich kid would know the trials of living in a third world country without even basic human necessities. A great deal of our lives is decided for us before we're even born despite how much emphasis is placed on freedom and individuality in this country. Who we are on the inside is based less on where we start our lives and more on how we finish them. The journey is about returning to who we are supposed to be if we at some point lost our way. I'm a long way from who this world tried to make me and much closer to who Mother Nature meant for me to be. This is the task at hand for each and everyone of us no matter where we were born or how we grew up. Our life becomes our own when we have no one to thank or blame for what we make of it. I didn't grow up rich, but some families in my town were. We were definitely rich compared to someone living in a third world country. It's all relative and I used to judge myself for where and how I grew up when I'd meet those who were less fortunate than me along the road I've taken, but the day finally arrived when I paid a toll that allows me to laugh and smile like I do, now. (uploaded 2.19.24) January 19, 2024, Montague, Massachusetts Three comforters, two sleeping bags and a heavy wool blanket. It's supposed to be in the single digits, tonight, but I'm as snug as a bug. I spend a good half hour every morning defrosting things and melting ice on the stove so I can wash my face and do the dishes after breakfast. #MLR. In the wintertime, the cooler isn't for keeping things from spoiling. It's to keep things from freezing, but even still the milk has been a little crunchy the last couple of mornings. I had to heat up a pot of water, yesterday afternoon, and float the eggs in them before I could crack them to make an omelette for lunch. The crazy thing is that I still couldn't be happier. I actually enjoy it all. Yes, it's definitely ridiculous, but it wasn't my plan to be here at this time of year so I have to make the most of it. I spend my days working on the trailer or the house. I'd love to get another job, but I know that I won't be here much longer so finding work for such a short period of time is tricky. I signed up with a temp agency last month and they found me something pretty quick, but that's when i found out that they don't have any temp work to offer. All their jobs were temp to hire for permanent positions. Lovely. I'm still going to look for some own my own once the trailer is ready before I hit the road. I'm just doing all the things that need to be done first. The part for the other trailer should arrive tomorrow. Once that's gone, there won't be much more left to do. I finished the rack for the kayak and mountain bike, yesterday. There's countless other things that I'd love to build or work on, but I'll wait until I have a job and money coming in before tackling them. I'm going to miss this little field and the big maple tree I'm parked beside. The moon has been so bright the last few nights that I don't even need a headlamp when I go outside. It's much more beautiful without one. Misery loves company and happiness is meant to be shared. Which is it? Maybe both statements are right. I think the lesson is that we're social creatures. Above all else, regardless if we're happy or sad, life isn't life without each other. I guess this is the best reason to keep writing. I used to write to save my sanity and maybe even my life when it got that bad. Now, I'm content to work outside all day long in the cold winter rain still alone yet with a dumb smile on my face. I'm not always alone. Maybe once a week, missLuna's German shepherd will make an appearance with missLuna following not far behind. They'll stop for a couple minutes before continuing on their walk that runs the length of the field and into the woods at the far end. Not exactly a busy social life, but I'd be a fool to think it doesn't contribute to my present state even if just a little. I think I've only left the property twice in the last week and only for a few minutes each time. Today it was to bring my recycling to the recycle center in Turners and a few days ago it was to run to the grocery store and grab some milk and a few other things. That's it. The rest of the time I'm happy to spend the day working in the quietness of the winter. Ok, I've had an occasional dance party at night in the house by myself. Not ashamed to confess it. A little embarrassed maybe. Life's too short to not celebrate the simple things whenever you feel the urge.(uploaded 2.19.24) January 21, 2024, Montague, Massachusetts Walking up the hill this afternoon, it dawned on me why I haven't been working on the book lately. The irony is that the reason I haven't is a perfect example of my biggest purpose for writing it in the first place which is to get people to listen to their hearts more than their heads. I've written enough pages over the years to fill 10 books, yet I haven't forced myself to finish my first and I'm someone who's forced himself to do plenty of other things so why haven't I completed something that I actually want to do? With the passing of the new year, I've barely written at all in the last three weeks. More irony is that I've never been happier in my life than I am right now. 25 years of hell and back and I've finally arrived. Somebody pinch me. Most people would have given up a long time ago. Most people gave up on me years ago. Girlfriends that said they'd always love me, good friends who believed without a doubt that I'd "make it", family members who once admired me. They, all, eventually had to move on. Wah. As much as it hurt, I don't really blame them. From the outside, there wasn't much evidence that I was getting any closer to an inexplicable goal. All it looked like to them was stubborn idealism and a lot of pointless suffering year after year, but I was making progress. Unfortunately, no one else could see it. No one even understood why I'd taken this path in the first place, but as I held the course year after year I knew that I was learning what a mainstream life could never teach me while still waiting for something. I just didn't know exactly what that something was, but I could feel it and I was sure that I'd know when it arrived. I wasn't passively waiting like one does a bus on a street corner twiddling their thumbs doing nothing. I wasn't sitting on my ass waiting for the world to hand me something. I was waiting like one does shoveling out a barn stall that has layers of straw, hay, shavings and manure packed down so firmly that you'd think it was solid ground if it weren't for the top of the fence protruding out by your feet. Keep digging. You'll eventually hit real dirt a few feet down. That's the kind of waiting you learn by having someone else push you harder than you'd ever pushed yourself like a coach, a teacher, a boss, a competitor, etc. that is until that person walks away, too, and you learn how to push yourself even though you're still waiting for the moment when someone finally says, "Ok, that's enough" but there's no one there to say it so the years keep stacking up one on top of the other like hard packed layers of sh*t. Looking up the snowy field towards my little house on a sunny Sunday afternoon, I realized what I was waiting for. My ego has always had plenty to say, but that's not who I want speaking for me. My ego is an idiot, and so is yours by the way. I realized that for as honest as I've tried to be in most of my writing, my ego was still doing far too much of the talking. It was 8 degrees last night and my laptop wouldn't turn on this morning. I knew it had plenty of battery life so I tried to defrost it by placing it by the furnace, but even after it was warm and dry, nothing. I was hoping that if I walked down to the barn where my truck was parked, plugged it into the cigarette lighter and started up the truck, it would come back to life and it did. I was a little worried because I hadn't backed up the book recently so the risk of losing everything I'd written in the last 6 months definitely had my attention. As a matter of fact, I'm going to stop right now and save it. Be right back. What I realized is that I needed to learn to write a different way, from the heart. This is what I was waiting for. I don't mean from the heart in the sappy way someone (including myself) writes a love letter or an apology. As sincere as it can be, writing like this only uses a small portion of your heart, the part most closely connected to your ego. That's no good. That's still far too much ego. The majority of the heart, yours and mine, has got nothing to do with emotions and everything to do with an intelligence that is far wiser than our crafty little brains. It is part of an all-encompassing knowledge that you and I cannot fathom, yet we can still tap into. I don't know exactly what makes the wind blow, but if I sail properly I can let it carry me to my destination. I didn't know what this place would look like. I only knew what it would feel like. You can't see the wind. You have to feel it. I will give my destination a name, but not yet. I suppose it helps if you're going through hell because anywhere is better than where you presently are and even though I've gone through my own personal moments, that's not why and how I started this journey. I was totally free when I left and full of ambition. I wasn't trying to escape someplace, or so I thought. As outwardly geographic as this path has taken me, I believed that I was trying to reach a destination within myself even if I didn't know exactly where or what that destination was. This is the definition of faith. How can a hammer build a house? It can't, but a person who knows how to use a hammer can. Are you the hammer or the person? Are you your heart or your ego? We've created this world that we live in, our minds have, but this world didn't create us. It certainly shapes many of our opinions and beliefs, but it didn't create us. An invention can't build an inventor, but "If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail." Human beings have invented many things, the wheel, the car, the computer, the smartphone and the hammer, but who invented us? The Earth did. Mother Nature did. God, if you're a religious person, did. You were created with a different type of intelligence than your mind or ego can fathom. If you don't know God, you're playing god. If you don't know Mother Nature, you're playing god with the Earth. We're playing god with the one thing that created us. The very thing that gave us life. How intelligent is this? It makes about as much sense as a hammer trying to control a person. We're just smart enough to be dangerous to one another and to every other living creature on the planet. This doesn't sound like the most highly evolved species to me. Yet, any neuroscientist will tell you that we're only using a very small portion of our brains. Where does this larger portion of intelligence come from? How can we access it? I'll give you one guess. Manure mixed with the right amount of carbon found in straw, hay and shavings makes the best compost. Compost enriches the soil, one of the building blocks of healthy life. You can't rush this process and my mind, my ego, has been in too much of a hurry to say what it's wanted to say. This is because it was motivated by something other than the truth. Maybe it was pain, fear, desire or loneliness. Regardless of what it was, I could sense that it wasn't coming from an unconditional source and this is where I should be writing from. That unconditional source is my heart. The sun shines on everyone, good, bad, happy or sad. What we do with its warmth and power is up to us.(uploaded 2.19.24) January 23, 2024, Montague, Massachusetts I should change missFlowerchild's name to "the Temptress." She sent me a pic of her ass in panties, last night, and then another one of her topless, this morning. I haven't heard from her in a month then out of the blue she wants to hook up. I don't have any bad feelings towards her, but I think I'm going to pass. I'm monogamous and she's polyamorous. I don't know how many other guys she's sleeping with. If all I'm interested in is sex, one could say that it's none of my business. "What do you care? Get laid and don't worry about it," I can hear some of my buddies saying. I'll confess that I love sex and she has an amazing body, but I trust my instincts more than my desires and my gut tells me that it's a bad idea. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but if I truly care about her, I should try to be her friend rather than just another guy she's f*cking. If I was weak and wanted to get what I can from whomever I can then I guess I'd be stupid not to jump at the chance, but I'm not weak. I'm happy and this is what happy people do, the right thing. I can't allow a woman who's not doing great drive an hour and a half just to have sex with me and then send her packing the next day. How is that going to help her? She's smoking hot. She can get any guy she wants, but maybe always getting what she wants is the problem. Whatever, she's a grown woman and it's not my job to do her thinking for her, but I'm not going to do something that I don't feel good about. I won't lie. The risk of getting an std is another reason why I'm going to pass. I'm very careful with my body, not because I'm a goody-two-shoes, but because I like being healthy and clean and that's the type of woman I hope to find. I'm trying to decide whether I should even attempt to explain all this to her or just say "No, thanks." Thank you for the offer. I would love to see you, but I don't know how well you're doing, right now, and I wouldn't feel good about taking advantage of the situation if you're not. I'm so happy and I want you to be happy, too. Giving into physical desires is not going to help this (as good as it would feel in the moment). I wasn't strong enough to resist these temptations when we first met, but after our last time together, I realized that I'm not helping things by just being another guy you're f*cking. You're a very attractive woman with an amazing body. I'm sure there's lots of guys who want to have sex with you. I just can't be one of them. You can always get my attention with your pics, but unfortunately I'm too strong to give in now. However, I will be your friend if you truly want one. I care a great deal about you. (sorry for the long text. I'd much rather talk. You know how to reach me:)(uploaded 2.19.24) January 24, 2024, Montague, Massachusetts To my relief, missFlowerchild took my text very graciously. She even admitted that I was right, not about her doing poorly. She said she's doing fine, but in regards to her pattern of contacting me out of the blue for hook-ups. For the record, as much as the hopeless romantic in me has resisted arrangements like this for most of my life, there's nothing wrong with it between two single consenting adults. It's a messed up world and many people don't get enough healthy physical touch, which doesn't have to include sex, so if two people find themselves able to give this kind of affection to one another without any drama, God bless 'em. I had to learn this the hard way after years of punishing myself. She was the only person I was doing this with for the three years we saw each other off and on, but once she returned to the polyamorous lifestyle I wasn't going to risk getting an std by continuing anything physical with her. After I was with her last, I got myself checked out. They have home tests you can buy nowadays. They're not cheap, but a clear conscience and knowing I'm healthy is worth it. She still sent me more pics so I had to be more direct yet still gentle and put a stop to it. I'll wait a little while then call and check to see how she's doing. Saying you care about someone doesn't mean jack if you don't follow it up with action. Today was drizzly and overcast, but mild and pleasant compared to the temperatures of the last week. My happiness is still amazingly maintaining itself and the novelty of its presence has not wore off. I monitor it like one would a cold, but for the opposite reason. I don't want it to leave. It's been a long road to get here so maybe it's a form of diligence to keep a close eye on any risk of losing it, but miraculously I haven't. In fact, it seems to be getting stronger and more enjoyable. Even melting ice on the stove in the morning to then use the warm water to defrost a bottle of olive oil in order to cook frozen eggs is a pleasure not a chore accompanied by laughter and poking fun at myself. I've contemplated how to proceed on my path with this new way of existing. My life isn't much different on the outside, but the inside is night and day. I hope I never take feeling like this for granted. (uploaded 2.19.24) January 29, 2024, Montague, Massachusetts It's the 29th. The month is almost over and it's been the best month I've had for as long as I can remember. I feel so damn lucky. Nothing significant's happened. It's been outwardly uneventful actually. I've barely left the property and it's been bone-chilling cold plenty of the time, but nevertheless my happiness has remained a steady constant. It just bubbles out of me all day long. I decided to stop what I was doing this afternoon and do some writing. I don't need to write anymore. It's no longer the life line it was for so many years. I almost feel like, now, writing is a way of giving respect to what helped me for such a long time. Plus, I should continue with it regularly. It's good discipline and it will help me with the book. Writing can be a form of work and I like to work so I should stay in the habit of it until I find my tribe or at least my person. We got some more snow last night so I spent the morning shoveling around the barn and clearing off the big solar panels in the field for missLuna then I left the property to do some grocery shopping and errands. I'm pretty much all done, now, but before I head back I figured it would be good to take advantage of being able to plug my laptop into the cigarette lighter of the yukon so I don't have to worry about the battery wearing down. This is another reason why I haven't written a lot lately. There's a lot less sunny days in the wintertime so my little portable solar system isn't as effective until I upgrade with another battery and some bigger panels, but that's an expense I'm waiting to make once I'm working steady again. As a result, I haven't had the electricity to power my laptop because I haven't been using my truck that much either. I've been writing with a pen in my journal instead. We had a break from the cold the last couple days so the ground is pretty muddy at the moment, but it's supposed to drop back down below freezing tonight so I'll move the small enclosed trailer out of the field and park it by the road to sell it when the ground is hard again. I don't want to move it until then to avoid making muddy ruts in missLuna's field. I installed a brand new spring assembly for the back ramp door last week and I'm almost done emptying it. There's only a few bins and some odds and ends left, but I need to build a loft in the tiny house for those items so I'm going to have to store them outside temporarily until after it sells and I have the money for materials. The bins are plastic with snapping lids so they should be fine. Right now, I'm parked down the far end of an empty parking lot away from all the strip malls, box stores and cars going way too fast. I should call missButterfly. She called me two days ago out of the blue and left a voicemail, but I haven't called her back yet. I usually do immediately, but this time I stopped myself. The truth is I don't really want to talk to her. I haven't seen or spoken to her in months. I was pretty surprised to even hear from her. There's no hard feelings, but I figured she would have forgotten about me by now. I'm not sure what she wants. The last time I spoke to her was on the phone in early December and she told me repeatedly like she's done every time I've spoken to her that she's not looking for a relationship which is strange because I've never asked her for one. I've never asked her for anything. I've never even asked her out. She's the one who calls me so I don't know why she keeps saying that. The whole thing seems a little odd to me. Maybe she's looking for another hook-up, too, but doesn't want to come right out and say it. I think I'll pass on that as well if that's the case. That was a one time deal under extenuating circumstances. We met last summer, but I still don't feel like we know each other. We've never really hung out or spent any time together other than those two nights. If I wanted to get to know her, I would ask her out, but I unfortunately don't so I haven't. It's not that I don't have a lot of respect for her. I admire how she and her husband were living and raising their children, but she's never showed any interest in wanting to get to know me so I've just left it alone. Like I told myself when I first met her and learned of her situation, there's no way I'm going to be cavalier or irresponsible with someone who's been through what she's been through. I've told her that she can always call me if she ever needs a friend or someone to talk to, but she hasn't. She only calls to invite me to parties than keeps her distance the entire time. She has lots of friends and family so maybe she doesn't need another friend. Again, this is why I've left it alone. Anyways, I'm a little perplexed about hearing from her so rather than call, now, I think I'm going to wait until the enclosed trailer is sold which should be this week then I can use the money to make a few improvements to the tiny house like installing a bathroom in case of the rare possibility that I do have a guest. The finished house is going to have a big kitchen and a lavish bathroom by tiny house standards, but I needed a place to live this winter when it started getting cold so these extravagances didn't make the cut until spring when the temperatures are milder so I can open up the wall to make the house longer. For now, it's cowboy baths and a compost toilet which is fine for this vagabond, but I wouldn't feel comfortable having a female guest with such rustic amenities. (uploaded 2.19.24) January 31, 2024, Montague, Massachusetts I'm not sure what's going on. As December was coming to an end, I noticed a change. I was happier more often than usual. By New Year's Day, I was waking up with a "Whoohoo!" Literally. I actually said it out loud as I got out of bed on Jan.1st. I couldn't believe what was happening. Day after day all through the month of January, I became happier and happier. When you've been through hell and back and you experience this much prolonged happiness, it's a little surreal, but on the other hand, it feels right and natural. It's a crazy experience. For most people, no matter how difficult a person's life has been, they can recall at least a few happy memories, maybe from childhood. As we get older, many can remember being young and having older people tell us "You don't know how lucky you are." Hearing this all the time when we're young gets old, no pun intended, but they were right. I didn't know how lucky I was back then. I do now. I could barely stop smiling for practically the entire month. Then around the 30th, things began to slip. For the days that followed, it got worse and worse and I couldn't figure out why. Today, I was working outside and went to move a plastic bin of miscellaneous tools and hardware that I keep stored on the ground under the tiny house trailer. I knew to be careful pulling it out because sometimes the bins will freeze to the ground so I have to be delicate when I break them free and give them a tug in order to pop off the lid and get whatever it is I'm looking for. I've done it a hundred times this winter. Today, I was hurrying for no reason whatsoever. I didn't need to be anywhere. It was beautiful and sunny and I was planning on spending the entire day up in the field working. It was cold, but I was dressed for it. There's no valid reason why I impatiently squatted down and kicked the bin to break it free before trying to pull it out. It smashed into pieces. In my anger, I slammed the cordless drill I was holding on top of the bin sitting beside the one I just kicked and cracked the lid on that one, too. F-bomb after f-bomb I yelled as I stormed around in the snow likean idiot trying to calm down furious with myself all the while cursing how cheaply the plastic is to break so easily, but I knew better. My own stupidity was the real source of my anger, but why? Where did my new found happiness go? Making improvements to my living conditions definitely improved my mental well-being. The tiny house became weather tight and livable. That's huge. Then I had heat and a full size bed, a stove to cook on, a bath tub to wash up in and I was still surrounded by nature. I was in heaven. But with time ticking away, my finances are getting too low for comfort as I'm buying one thing or another to continue working on the house and I'm starting to feel trapped.(uploaded 2.19.24) February 4, 2024, Montague, Massachusetts I picked up a couple days work this week out of nowhere. A guy responding to one of my fliers that I posted in December texted me and he says that he's got plenty more work if I want it. When I was washing the tires and rims on the little trailer to make it more presentable, the valve stem broke on one of the tires when I barely touched it with a sponge probably because it was so cold out so I had to fix a flat tire before I could move it, but that's all done and it's down by the road beside the barn this afternoon so whoever buys it can back up and take it away. It's nice to be up here in the field with just one trailer even if it has a lot of stuff under and around it. I spent the rest of the day reorganizing everything. Sitting in my truck on Friday after work in downtown Greenfield not wanting to go home yet, but not wanting to go out either, I finally figured out what happened. It makes perfect sense, but it took me a few days to see it. It's the exact same reason why I began to feel liberated and more myself last spring when I was cleaning out the house in Marshfield. Right now, I have too much stuff. Plain and simple. There's no big mysterious reason or something so deep that you'd have to be a monk to understand, just too much g'damn stuff. Last weekend, I began cleaning out the remainder of what was in the small enclosed trailer beside my tiny house and by Monday I had finished emptying it. That was the 29th. I had bins and things everywhere, on the back of the trailer, under the kayak rack, under the trailer on the ground, in the tiny house, under my bed, on my bed and anywhere else I could stuff something. My simple existence had become a cluttered mess. I felt like I was living on a small island and the tide began coming in making my island even smaller until I had no place to even stand. Feeling trapped is the opposite of feeling free and this is what happened by losing my storage space. It's not the end of the world. Once the trailer sells, I'll have enough money to buy some lumber to build a loft inside the tiny house and a little shed on the back of the trailer. This will give me the space I need. Whatever else doesn't fit has got to go. (uploaded 2.19.24) February 8, 2024, Montague, Massachusetts I'm still in the thick of it right back to trying to survive everyday. I get temporary glimpses of how it felt not too long ago like when I walked up the hill this morning with the deep cycle battery and my backpack solar panel to set up my little charging system on a bright sunny day like today. We've had three in a row this week so I'm soaking it in, but unfortunately my patience is shot. I'm quick to anger and I'm waking up over the grand canyon every morning, again. The only consolation is that I've got the whole month of January to refer to so I can hang onto the hope that once I sell the enclosed trailer and get paid by the guy who I did some work for last week I'll be right back where I left off. For the time being, I'm in a slight holding pattern so I'm trying to figure out which projects I can tackle, today, without spending any money. There's plenty to do, but I don't want to just kill time with something cosmetic like adding more small blocks of wood to the jigsaw design I built my front door with. That's a fun task that I can do in my leisure anytime anywhere. The door works the way it is. I could mount a light switch to the wall inside the tiny house. Up til now, I've just been plugging in the one light I have to turn it on because it's mounted on the wall up high close to the ceiling, but a switch would be a little more civilized. Waiting to do little stuff like this until spring when I make the house bigger seems like a form of procrastination.(uploaded 2.19.24) February 9, 2024, Montague, Massachusetts Sold the enclosed trailer, yesterday. I bought and installed a new jack for it, first. The old one was a pain in the butt to crank. Then, I posted it for sale online that night, spent all morning answering emails and it was sold by the afternoon. The first guy who came and looked at it after walking around it and then inside after we opened both ramp doors handed me my asking price without even a conversation about the amount. I handed him a hundred dollars back for good karma, but he wouldn't take it. We both just laughed. I guess all the work I did over the last couple weeks paid off. I gave him the manuals to the new parts and we shot the breeze for a few minutes about other things, Maine, snow mobiling, work, then we thanked one another and said "Take care." I'm still way too excited about the light switch I wired and mounted in the tiny house, yesterday, while I was waiting for him to get here. I feel so civilized. Watched a youtube video on how to darn socks then mended a few of my big wool ones that had holes in them this morning and now it's time to make a to-do list in order of importance for what I should work on next. I've been neglecting the book mostly because I've been preoccupied with necessities like keeping warm and finding work, but with the trailer sold the money takes off the pressure for a little while so I can take a breath. I've got to head to work in a few minutes, but only for a half day. I texted the guy about settling up because he still owes me for last week and he asked me if I had some time today so I'll go by the big industrial warehouse that he's renovating, grab my check and put in a few more hours. No grand canyon this morning. Just like that. I still have storage space to build into the tiny house to get what's under the trailer onto the trailer, but all in due time and I've bought myself the time. Called missFlowerchild when I got out of work to see how she's doing. She was surprised, but very happy to hear from me. She wants me to come visit next weekend and do some winter work on her and her sister's property cutting back the thistles along the edge of their field before everything starts growing in the spring and then go into Boston with her for the New Year's celebration in Chinatown (their new year is later because it correlates with the winter moon cycle so lots of hippies attend the festivities apparently). I'm not sure about all that. She was actually in Montague, today, visiting her "friend". I think it's an actual friend, an older woman who's not feeling well, but I'm not sure. The fact that she didn't say "Hi" again while she was here makes me think that me driving an hour and a half to where she lives to do a bunch of work for her seems a little much, but I'll think about it.(uploaded 2.19.24) February, 13, 2024, Montague, Massachusetts I'm still keeping my phone off most days, but I had plenty of slips in the beginning of the month. I gave in and resorted to distracting myself by watching youtube videos or researching possible places to live online when the grand canyon sucked me in every morning and followed me around all day. The monumental difference between now and all the previous years that I've moved from place to place hoping that it will be different "this time" is that now I know what it's like to conquer loneliness. For almost the entire month of January, I rode a continuous high that I've never experienced before. It wasn't a fleeting glimpse that departed as quickly as it arrived. It was constant. It was my default mood throughout the entire day including the mornings. Yes, including the morning. I honestly thought I had finally arrived and I was almost right, but not quite. That euphoric feeling slipped out of my hands and I was right back to white-knuckling it all day long and waking up every morning to a dark cloud of dread that I had to push through to get the ball rolling and be productive. Because it's an existence that I know all too well, it wasn't difficult for me to adjust to it even though for those 5 or 6 days I was perplexed as to why I had lost my new found serenity, but now I know exactly what to do in order to get it back. It's not going to happen over night, but I'm almost back to where I was earlier this year and I'm chipping away at the projects that'll make me self-contained and then we'll see what happens.(uploaded 2.19.24) February 18, 2024, Montague, Massachusetts What a relief. For the past couple days, I've been dreading the conversation I just had, but it's over now. I just got off the phone with her. I feel so light and free. Thank God. On the other hand, I feel bad, too, because she may not be feeling as good, but, unfortunately, it's a situation that I can't get involved in. I'm not the one who created it. Way too complicated. In the mornings, I turn my phone on for a few minutes to check for messages. I usually don't have any, but on Wednesday morning I got another voicemail from missButterfly. She called around 7:30am which seemed a little early and I felt bad about taking so long to call her back last month which was over a week and I only left a quick voicemail that this time I called her back that day. She invited me to a sauna/potluck she was having in the evening. I hesitated and stalled a little asking her what time she was planning on having it. Around 5. I told her that I might be working and we usually don't finish until 6 which was somewhat true, but honestly I didn't really want to go. I was tired of the guessing game with her. Plus, I had stuff to do which I didn't get to the previous day because the guy I've been helping out texted me that morning and asked if I could come in and work. I didn't feel like rearranging my schedule, again, on short notice. She told me that even if I can't make it over for the sauna I was welcome to join them for the potluck afterwards and we left it at that. I didn't really want to go, but while I worked all afternoon it dawned on me that it was Valentine's day. Even though it's a joke of a holiday, I eventually came to the conclusion that I'd be a dumbass if I didn't go. "When a pretty girl invites you to come take a sauna with her on Valentine's Day, you go, moron." The evening was fairly uneventful. Like a ding-dong, I got there late and missed the sauna. By the time I was done working on my projects for the day, got cleaned up and ran to the store to grab some stuff to bring, it was around 6. They were already sitting down eating when I got there. It was all women. I felt like I was intruding actually because they all looked pretty surprised to see me when I walked in. For a second, I thought maybe I misunderstood what night she was having it, but she hugged me when she saw me and assured me that it was the right evening. She told me I could still take a steam if I wanted. The sauna was still going and her neighbor, an older gentlman, was using it. I haven't done a lot of saunas especially when they entail getting half-naked with perfect strangers and I've stepped out of my comfort zone plenty of times when it comes to attending things she's invited me to so I opted to just sit down and join them. Getting to be around people and have some dinner was good enough. After everyone left, I lingered a little to help clean up then missButterfly showed me a book that reminded her of me. I'd never heard of it, but the image on the cover was the exact same photograph of a cabin on a lake in the mountains that I've kept in my phone and laptop for years sort of for inspiration of where I want to spend the rest of my life. Interesting. Dragonfly and Firefly were still up and we began goofing around in the kitchen and playing games. I could tell that my being there was only going to prolong the kids going to bed so I said "Good night" and headed home. Still have no idea what she wants from me. Two days later I got another voicemail. This time she was inviting me to go ice skating with them. She learned I was a hockey player earlier this winter. First of all, I'm not telling a story. I'm trying to process what happened and this is the only way I can seeing as I don't have anyone to talk to #orbitless , but if this is going to be of any use I need to back up and include what happened in late November the night after I had my little moment on the roof in the rain. I detest drama and this is why I've refused to write about it or maybe it's just my pride because I don't like being made a fool, but what happened that night is a major reason why I've decided to pass on anymore of her invitations. I know she's been through a lot and I've tried to be understanding and flexible, but I can't allow myself to be played even if she doesn't realize that's what she's doing. I've had a hard time believing she doesn't, but I've still been patient and open-minded with her. I can't believe I'm going to waste my time writing about such nonsense, but I need to move forward with a clear head. That night on the roof when I, yet again, resolved to stop spending so much time alone, I decided to go out the following night after working on the house all day to grab a hot meal and be around people for a little while. I choose to be trusting and somewhat naive. It's a conscious choice, not a clueless mistake. I'd rather give people the benefit of the doubt than become cynical and jaded, that is until they make it clear that continuing to trust them would not be wise. It's not about judging others. It's simply about assessing what kind of situations I put myself in. Being able to take people for their word is the kind of world I want to live in so that's how I treat them. Maybe this is why I live the way I do because living deeper within the system makes it harder to trust what's going on in the world. The planet and the world are not the same thing. The planet is this big beautiful rock with an ecosystem thriving on it. The world is what we've created on top of this. Anyways, I can barely get through a play by play, but the blunt version is that when I went out that night I ended up bumping into a guy who I recognized from the bonfire parties that missButterfly kept inviting me to last summer. He was one of the dudes hanging out in her driveway when she jumped my bones the night before I left for Costa Rica. He was now livng with her. I remembered his name and invited him to join me for dinner before learning this. Turns out he wasn't alone. She was on her way there, too. When he told me this, I tried to get out of it telling him that I didn't want to impose on their dinner together, but he wouldn't hear of it. This poor sap who I could tell really liked her had no idea about me. Sorry, I shouldn't call him that, but I'd call myself one if I was in his shoes. He had her son with him and she was around the corner at gymnastics class with her daughter and they'd be right over. I should have just left, but I chose to be naive. I didn't care that they were now in a relationship. More power to him. He put in the time and wanted to be with her. I had my doubts all along and never pursued that possibility. You snooze, you lose. No worries. When she arrived, she gave me a big hug and sat on my side of the booth with her daughter because her son was on the other side with mr.Man-bun. He and I had a cool conversation before she got there. He even asked me for my contact info so we could keep in touch. By the end of the night, I'm pretty sure he'll never use it. I was polite and social all through dinner. We had fun with the kids and even played a board game right on the table that missButterfly broke out of her bag after we ate. The kids' grandmother was across the room having dinner with some friends so they ran back and forth visiting with her. It was a nice night, but I had to basically lie for missButterfly and not let on that there was anything between us. I'm not trying to sound self-righteous, but this is just not the kind of person I want to be. I didn't care that they were together, but I'm pretty sure he would've if he knew about me. The poor guy was starting to get flustered by the end of the night because we were all having a little too much fun. She would've hugged me, again, before I left, but I wished everyone a nice holiday and got the heck out of there as quickly as possible. Hopping in my truck and heading back to my freezing ass field sucked, not because he got the girl and I didn't. He could have her, but having to be fake for 2 hours and then return to my lonely existence feeling worse than when I left was a kick in the gut. The grand canyon swallowed me whole as soon as I walked out of the restaurant and stepped onto the sidewalk. I could hear her saying something to me as I was falling into it, but she was behind me by the entrance and I didn't stop to listen. I just looked back, waved and said "Take care." I hate drama and I could've made a bunch of it that night. I could've made some last fall, too, when she invited me to another bonfire potluck after I got back from Costa Rica because no one knew about us so I played it cool to be considerate of her situation. Why did she keep calling me and telling me she wasn't looking for a relationship? I never asked her for one. I never even called her except to be polite when she called me. Anyways, going out that night definitely wasn't a cure for loneliness, but I got over it and focused on the things I needed to do. Then she calls me, again, a week and a half later and invites me to go to a hockey game with her and her brother. I confessed that I played the sport for the better part of my life, but politely passed on joining them. I didn't even bring up the whole dinner thing. It's none of my business. She doesn't have to explain herself to me. I still barely knew her. She can get involved with whoever she wants. I just didn't want to get mixed up in it. So that was last year, I came out on the other side doing awesome and I'm keeping it that way. Needless to say, this is why I wasn't eager to call her back in January when she called, again. At this point, I didn't know the details of her relationship with mr.Man-bun. I just knew that he was living there with them and naively left the possibility open that they were just friends, but I'm not stupid. Like I said, it's none of my business. After I went skating with her and the kids, after she invited me to come in and have dinner with them, after dinner when we all watched a movie together, after the kids were in bed, after she asked me to join her downstairs on the couch and after we hooked up, she made it my business. This is when I found out everything. Man-bun was no where to be found, but it's interesting that she waited to tell me that they were more than just friends after all this. That they were sleeping together. Wtf. Time to go. I didn't overreact. In fact, I barely reacted at all. I sat there and listened patiently. She was on top of me. What was I going to do, stand up and let her fall on the floor? She explained that it didn't work out between them because she's not looking for a relationship so he moved back to Pennsylvania, but he still calls and wants to come visit. I didn't bother stating the obvious that having someone live with you who you're sleeping with is a relationship or that sleeping with someone who was previously sleeping with one of your best friends while they were living on the property of one of your other best friends might create a little drama. I had no right to be upset. I'm a big boy. If it was that important to me, I should have made us talk before we did anything. We didn't go all the way, but came as close as possible. When I was convinced that she was done telling me everything that she wanted me to know, I politely said "Good night." She told me that the ball was in my court. Tonight, I called and we talked. I gently told her that it just wasn't a situation that I can get involved in. (uploaded 2.19.24) February 19, 2024, Montague, Massachusetts Well, all alone, again, and I'm actually relieved about this. I finished the porch on the outside of the tiny house this weekend which I had to complete before I can build the little shed. I love it. The fact that it's been super sunny the past few days certainly helps. I can set up some chairs and have little cook-outs out there. I could even turn the porch into a small greenhouse which would allow me to grow some veggies and this would passively warm up the house, too. We'll see. First, I need to get some rigid foam insulation so I can panel the interior walls in the section where I'm going to build the loft and small bathroom. The rest of the walls can wait til spring. Priority one is being organized and self-contained. I, also, need to upload this year's blog. I can't believe it's almost the end of February. As good as things are, right now, I should be feeling even better and I think it's because I haven't been using this resource for the purpose I created it years ago. It's gotten me this far. I shouldn't abandon it now that I'm doing well and so close to my "destination." I thought maybe I was done needing it after having such an amazing January, but recent developments have required me to clear my head and this is the most effective way I know how under the circumstances. I went for a long jog on the trails in the woods, yesterday, and tried to run it out, but that didn't work so I guess I should write. I realize now that I was approaching the problem of loneliness the wrong way, but a few months ago, on a cold night in November, I was still trying to fix it the old way. Surprisingly, finding people to be around isn't the answer. I still need to do this, but it's not going to fix me. Only I can do that, not that there's anything wrong with me or anyone else who battles loneliness. Some of us just didn't grow up in close families. Being around other positive, healthy people who want to live like I do is still my goal, but I need to approach it from a place of giving, not taking. A place of offering, not asking. If we don't know how to make ourselves happy as individuals, we'll only try to take from others when we have them at our disposal whether we're conscious of this or not. I want to be a giver, not a taker. Giving is better. MissButterfly gave me a book to borrow the night I went to the sauna potluck last week, but she wanted to make sure that I'd return it so I bought her, Dragonfly and Firefly some books and I'm going to leave them along with the one she lent me by her mailbox. I'll do it in a fun way. Of course, I'll put them in a plastic bag to keep them dry, but I checked the weather and it's not supposed to rain or snow for the next couple days. I'll make a card and in it will be a little map so they'll have to find the books hidden among the trees not far from the row of mailboxes down the wooded dirt road near their driveway. It'll be like a scavenger hunt. I think the kids will really like it. I hope they will. March 4, 2024, Montague, Massachusetts There are two ways to look at a situation. As I was typing the previous entry, someone knocked on my door, the door on this tiny shed of a house built on a long flatbed trailer parked in the middle of a field completely out of sight from anyone. I was about to have my first guest. It was a bright sunny day so when I looked up I could see her face through the little window of the door. Would it be a cliche to say that "I got butterflies"? It felt like a dream, one that I didn't know was possible. MissButterfly was standing on my porch. The few minutes that followed were the best few minutes I've experience in a very long time. I don't remember exactly what came out of my mouth. It wasn't much. I just know that I had a giant smile on my face and laughed a little when I said "Come on in." It was the middle of the afternoon on a beautiful day, but I had to get a lot of writing done so I was lying on my bed in work clothes with my boots off and the laptop on my belly. She opened the door and softly said "Hi" a she walked in, crossed the little room and climbed into bed with me. I wrapped my arms around her and just held her. It was the best feeling in the world. Again, I don't remember exactly what else was said. I know she gave me a hard time about being indoors on such a nice day which I agreed with and I gave her a hard time about being in my house before it was ready for visitors. We lay there and soaked in the feeling. As the moment started going in a different direction, I said that we should probably get up and take a walk or sit outside on the porch. I pulled out my beach chair for her to sit in, the chair on which a friendly little butterfly landed last summer which now had turned into the attractive woman sitting in front of me. The sun was bright, but there was a cool breeze so after a minute we decided to take a walk on the Robert Frost Trail that winds past the field to warm up stopping occasionally to hug. I knew that I told her the situation I learned about two nights prior was one that I couldn't get involved in, but for right now I was letting us both enjoy this time together. There are definitely more than two ways to look at any situation especially when there's more than one person involved in it, but I can't speak for her. In my own way, I can choose to appreciate this unexpected gift, keep it, protect it and not let anything like a jaded reality suck the magic out of it. I failed at doing this a year ago, but I can do it now which is why I chose to write about it the way I just did. However, if I stop and think long enough, I can look at it another way, too, and accept that maybe she came to visit more to explain herself than to show me that she cares about me and possibly to have sex which we did have when we got back after talking and clearing the air some more. I haven't seen or heard from her since. She might not care about me. She might just want me occasionally and that's it. Wah. "Poor baby, an attractive woman wants to sleep with you." I shouldn't say that I haven't heard from her. Firefly, who is four, called and left a voicemail thanking me for his book. I'm pretty sure he didn't find my number and call me himself. Of course, I called them right back when I got the message, but she was busy and told me that she'd call me that evening, but I never heard from her. That was over a week ago. All she has is a landline, no cell phone, which I admire and mine is always off. This somewhat limits our ability to communicate, but this is no obstacle for two people who want to talk and keep in touch. There's always a way for those who want to find one. My primary concern has always been the same from the beginning which is to not hurt her. She and the children have been through enough. On our walk I shared that I've done plenty of volunteering with kids and have been a "Big Brother" to three different boys. I wasn't dating any of their mothers or anything like that. I met each of them in different ways, one at a church I was attending for a little while and the other on a farm I was working on. The third boy was a little older and a ward of the state. I met him through a play I was acting in. He was only 15 and an extra, but a brilliant kid and I took him under my wing. I was 25. The 10 year difference gets a lot smaller as time goes by. He's married with a family of his own now. I told missButterfly how I shared my concern with these mothers about the fact that I travel so much and that this might effect or hurt their sons? I remember how one of the mothers explained it best. She told me that as long as I keep my word and do what I say I'm going to do, that's all that matters. He, her son, has to learn like we all do that people have their own lives, but this doesn't mean that we can't spend meaningful time together when we have the chance. This put me at ease and her son and I who was 8 when I met them spent lots of meaningful time together up through high school graduation and beyond. After four days had passed, it hit me that missButterfly told me her email address during one of our conversations and I remembered it. I definitely chalk this up to not having my phone on all the time. Smartphones obliterate a person's short term memory. I thought an email would be the most unintrusive way to let her know that I was thinking about her and hoping she was doing ok. I can't sleep with someone and then not talk to them for over a week. It wasn't like I was all mixed up and needed to talk to her. I was fine. It just didn't feel right. If there's a chance that she could interpret the silence as me not caring about her, I was going to find a way to show her that I do so I emailed her around 9:30 on Thursday night. She responded at 1am that same night and thanked me. She told me that she was having a hard time and wasn't ready to talk, but would call me when she was. I woke up at 5 and replied "Ok", but told her not to feel obligated. Hearing that she's not doing good bothers me which I, also, told her, but I have no idea what she's having a hard time about. She didn't say. It could be about us or it could be about a million other things. I know she was having some difficulties with the state regarding home-schooling guidelines. She doesn't agree with their bureaucracy and told them so. Maybe that's what it was. I can't force her to tell me. Attempting this would only add yet another thing to everything else she has to deal with. I just had to let her know I was available and created another line of communication to use if she chooses to. I know I could help her. Not to sound arrogant, but I know I could. However, this would require a conversation which both people have to want. I could, also, be a lot more proactive and take charge of the situation, but I should only do this if I want to be with her for the long haul. Otherwise, this would be selfish and only hurt her in the end and, unfortunately, I won't be here much longer. This situation isn't about me. Maybe it's using me in a way I don't understand. Or, maybe she just wanted sex. To be honest, it wasn't that good. We still don't know each other well enough. Without a real connection, I'd rather just jerk off. Less drama. She and I are intelligent people. We can't act dumb just to get some. At least, I can't. Plus, we only had a few minutes. I've got nothing against a quickie. They're hot, but they're for after a foundation is already laid down -no pun intended. That's why they're called a "quickie" because normally you take more time. You don't build a relationship on one. I know she's said countless times that she's not looking for a serious relationship, but even a friends-with-benefits requires a foundation. Otherwise, it's just casual sex which is empty to me. Even missFlowerchild and I hung out a few times just the two of us before we went all the way. There's plenty of men out there who will screw anything that moves. If that is all she wants, perhaps she'd be better off with one of them. It won't be that good with them either, but after a while maybe she'll be able to work through things to understand what she needs. I don't know. March 7, 2024, Nashville, Tennessee I'm hanging out in my hotel room waiting for mr.Model's flight to arrive. It's always a trip being surrounded by so much comfort living the way I do. I'm glad that I used writing to gain some perspective on how to handle things with missButterfly. Granted, I sounded like an idealistic jerk at times, but better here than in real life. In my interactions with her, I've been very understanding and supportive. I'd almost go so far as to say that I'm proud of myself. It feels amazing to be so calm and non-reactional. Compared to last year's Valentine's Day experience, I'm like a different person. Holding the course all these years is actually paying dividends. Who would've thought? Never heard back from her, but she won't be getting any rocks in the mail from me. Mine is sitting on my desk and that's where it's staying. What a jack ass. Live, learn and become a better person. That's all I can do. I hope she's doing ok. The spot on my porch just outside my door seems a little sunnier now. I even had her pick out a block of wood and sign it so I could add it to my jigsaw puzzle of a front door when she was here. Obviously, I've had some serious issues when it comes to how women have affected me in the past. Getting a crush on a pretty bartender who smiled at me should have told me this. The fact that I was so moved by a woman stopping by to see me, a woman who hasn't exactly been considerate of me, speaks to how starved I've been all these years for female affection. MissButterfly gets a pass, however. Losing the love of her life in such a tragic way must have been absolutely devastating. Trying to figure out how to proceed with the rest of her life must be confusing. I wish I could do more for her, but my instincts tell me to keep a healthy distance. I'll say a prayer for her. March 13, 2024, Montague, Massachusetts Ahh, back in the field. It feels so good. Home sweet home. I know that's a corny expression, but I don't care. This is my little haven. I'm sure the fact that it's a perfect spring day is contributing to the feeling on top of the fact that I don't like flying and there are no more flights in my immediate future, on top of the fact that I had about 30 gallons of maple sap waiting for me and on top of the fact that someone drew a butterfly on my door while I was gone. No note, no voicemail, no email. Just a perfectly drawn butterfly on one of the wooden blocks attached to my door. She knows I call her this. It's been two weeks since I've heard from her. MissLuna told me that she was here earlier this afternoon. I'm not sure exactly what it means, but it's nice to know that she came by. Inconveniently, I've got to turn around and head back to the coast because I told mr.Striper that I'd grab lunch with him. I've felt bad because he occasionally texts me asking when I'll be on the south shore again and I've kept telling him that I'll be sure to come back before leaving the area for good so when he happened to text me while I was at Logan waiting for my flight to Nashville, I promised that I'd let him know as soon as I got back and we'd make a plan. He took it hard when we lost our best friend almost 20 years ago. After it happened, he walked for charities, started a scholarship and organized an annual fishing tournament to raise money in memory of our friend so he occupies a soft spot in my heart, the big pain in the ass. He's got three kids and two jobs so he definitely can't be as spontaneous as me so when I texted him, yesterday, and he couldn't meet until Friday or Saturday, I told him that was fine. I didn't tell him that I'd be making the 2 and a half hour trip back to the coast just for him. I'll move the stove onto the porch before I leave and get that ball rolling, too. I, also, need to go by the job site where I've been working because the guy has been dragging his feet about paying me. He threw a little temper tantrum when I told him I was heading to Tennessee and wouldn't be around last week. Our arrangement was that he'd text me to see if I was available to work and I'd tell him if I was. It's been fine. A day here, a couple days there. Some weeks I wouldn't even hear from him, but then he rented a piece of equipment without asking me first and got mad at me for not being available. Real smart. We only communicate by text, but he owes me a fair amount of money so I'm going there in person to look him in the eye. March 18, 2024, Montague, Massachusetts The Bridgeway, the Voyage, Tinker's Son, the Hibernian Tavern and TK O'Malley's. I went out for lunch with mr.Striper. Ten hours and five Irish bars later, we finally called it a night. I hadn't planned on it being St.Patrick's Day this weekend and they say that Marshfield and Scituate have more Irish people per capita than Boston or Chicago. I don't know if this is true, but we've definitely got a boat load, no pun intended. I'm one of them. Luckily, I've out grown the whole drinking thing so I mixed in plenty of ice teas and waters over the course of our pub crawl. Had fun, made some new friends and most importantly mr.Striper had a good time. Picked up another battery and a big solar panel on my way back. Now, I can type on this laptop without worrying about the power running out. I got my check before heading for the coast. He was all smiles and acted like nothing happened. While I had my phone on making arrangements with the guy who I was buying the solar panel from, missButterfly called. I hadn't decided how I was going to proceed with her, but she beat me to it and asked if I'd come by and help her with her phone which I offered to do the last time we spoke. Ever since the lightening strike in the summer, her landline has been very staticky to the point that I can barely hear what she's saying when I'm talking to her. Now, her phone wasn't even ringing when someone calls and the answering machine wasn't picking up either so she said that she wasn't sure if I tried calling her. I'm not sure why she thought I would. The last I heard from her, she told me that she wasn't ready to talk. I told her I'd look at her phone for her when I got back. She called again this morning and left a message that she'd be home alone all day. Interesting. When I first arrived, she and I talked on the couch for a few minutes before tackling the phone situation. It was nice. We held each other and kissed a little, but I didn't let it go any further. After about six trips down her long steep driveway to the telephone poll at the bottom and back, I got the phone to ring and the answering machine to work. We worked on it together which was fun. She actually held my hand as we were walking up the driveway at one point. Interesting. It took longer than we expected and she had to leave to pick up the kids so I stayed and finished working on it by myself. I had her call me before she left and I could hear her a little better, but the static was still there. Not many people have landlines anymore so when the phone company came out last summer to fix it, they did a pretty half-assed job. They pulled out the entire junction box at the poll and just spliced two wires together. She called them, today, and they gave her the run around so she's going to have to call, again, tomorrow to make them do their job. She wanted me to come meet her and the kids, tonight, at Dragonfly's gymnastics class and then get pizza afterwards, but that felt a little too similar to a night last November when things were a lot different so I passed. This doesn't feel like someone who's not looking for a relationship. Plus, I need to write mr.Model a thorough email to follow up on the work we did in Tennessee. March 19, 2024, Montague, Massachusetts I've got all 4 burners going on the gas stove. One large roasting pan big enough to fit a whole turkey covers two of the burners at a time so I've got two roasting pans covering the whole stove top, but they don't have turkeys in them. They are full of maple sap. The first thing I did was move the stove outside onto the porch otherwise the walls of my tiny house would be brown and sticky when I was done. It smells so good that I'm not sure I'd mind, but it probably wouldn't look too good hence the invention of the sugar shack. The inside of those little buildings are pretty unsightly, but they smell delicious. Sweet steam is roaring off the pans, right now. It's a fun, but somewhat time consuming task so I figured I'd do some writing. I've got plenty to catch up on and a lot of sap to process. I had no idea I'd get so much from only one tree, but it's a healthy monstrous tree. I got a long email from mr.Model in response to mine, but I haven't read it yet. I feel bad about this, but I explained in mine that I needed to take a break from his project. I was all talked out when I left Tennessee. Well, all listened out. He did most of the talking. When a person complains everyday about their phone being dead even though they have a car with a cigarette charger available to them 24/7, not to mention a simple solar charger that I set up for them, we're just not a good fit. I knew it was going to be a challenge so I approached it as if I was spending time with one of my "little brothers" and it turned out to be a productive five days, but five days that I have no desire to ever repeat, yet successful in his eyes nonetheless and I can live with that. Honestly, the whole venture has been a source of anxiety for me since he started calling two years ago pitching the idea, but after checking out Costa Rica and realizing that living down there wasn't something I was interested in I thought I should, at least, entertain his proposal before returning to my solitary path. It quickly became apparent that we wanted different things so I made it clear that I wasn't interested in being partners, but that I'd still try to help him in any way I could. I arrived on Thurs and left on Tues. I had planned to stay for the entire week and leave after the following weekend, but he kept changing his mind. I'm not a big fan of flying and told him that I wasn't interested in coming down just for a weekend so he asked if I'd be open to staying for the whole week and work by myself while he was in LA for an acting gig. He'd pay me for the week then he'd fly back the following weekend and we could work together some more. Working on his land by myself felt a little weird, but I just looked at it like any other work gig so staying for the whole week made more sense and was the only reason I agreed to fly down then when I arrived the first day he asked if I'd be willing to fly back that weekend. I wasn't thrilled about this, but I was already there so I said "Ok" then before the weekend was over he wanted to talk about me staying the whole week again. My time is very valuable to me and I don't like being jerked around, but I never once lost my temper or even expressed a negative thought. I just decided to make the decision for him and told him that I'd be leaving when he left on Tues. I even looked at the greyhound bus schedule, but he insisted on buying me a plane ticket. The first thing I told him when we started looking at land last fall was make sure that it has water on it. This is rule no.1, 2 and 3 when buying property to farm or homestead on. This land doesn't, but he was told that when the area gets a lot of rain, a creek forms in the bottom of the wooded ravines on the property. After we looked at it in January and found no water, just a dry creek bed, I told him that I wouldn't buy it if I was him, but he bought it anyway. I was still happy for him, but made it clear that I wasn't interested in living there. We camped in tents some nights and stayed in motels on the others when he wanted a shower. I brought my tent with me and his cousin drove over from North Carolina to help for a couple days and gave mr.Model one of his tents along with lots of tools and a small, rugged, utility trailer. His cousin drove back to NC on Sunday morning and mr.Model and I finished up around 11pm Monday night. Then I drove us the hour and a half back to Nashville because he was too baked to get behind the wheel. Smoking pot throughout the day doesn't mix well with working when there are a lot of discussions necessary and decisions to be made and he knows I don't smoke, but I kept my mouth shut. This was his party not mine. Like I said, he was very happy with what we got accomplished. We cleared a lot of land to prepare for decks to be built which the geodesic domes he bought will be assembled on. He wants to use the property for an off the grid glamping sight. I'm not a glamper. I'm a farmer. The fact that he doesn't get why I don't want to spend the next 6 months building this for him just shows how different we are, but there's no hard feelings, at least not from me. It seems like he doesn't want to spring for having a well drilled, no pun intended, so I drew up a bunch of diagrams and emailed them to him last night showing how to set up the automated solar water pump system that he asked me to design which I collected all the components for while I was there. It's pretty slick actually and will only turn on when it rains enough to fill the creek setting off a float switch wired to a 12 volt pump. I'll still try to help him when I can, but I'm not going to do the work for him. I've always had the same goal for as long as I can remember, decades, not a couple years, which is to buy a big piece of land and create a working model of a more sustainable life where other people can come live on it with me in an environment that doesn't revolve around money, but rather people and the ecosystem that gives us all life are the most important things. This has been my dream. Long before living off the grid, tiny houses, van life or intentional communities ever became the latest flavor of the month, this is what I've been working towards. I'm glad that living sustainably has become so popular and I hope to find others who believe in it as much as I do. Just before I left for Tennessee, I asked missLuna if I could tap the giant maple that I share this field with and she thought it was a great idea. Before asking her, I researched weather tapping hurts the tree in any way and it doesn't. In late winter and early spring, sap naturally runs out of maple trees through cracks in its bark. All the taps do is allow a person to collect it and the woodpecker sized hole heals over within a year. Calling it sap is a little misleading because it's more like water with a hint of sweetness to it compared to the sticky substance you find on pine trees. A lot of people drink maple sap just the way it is. Many believe it has medicinal purposes. Even pure maple syrup is far less thick than honey or the syrups you buy in stores and more like an amber liquid which is how you know it's pure. Last summer, I was curious when I moved here and checked the leaves of the perfect tree beside me and it's a sugar maple. Their leaves look just like any other maple except the edges are smoother so when I saw a lot of farmers in the area tapping trees this winter I started to get jealous. There's a guy down the road who does it the old-fashioned way with metal buckets so the other day I peaked in one of them hanging from a tree near the barn where I park the yukon to see how much sap had accumulated over the course of a week and there was only an inch or so at the bottom so I figured I might get enough sap by the time I got back from Tennessee to make a small bottle of syrup if I'm lucky. I rounded up all the supplies I needed and tapped the big maple in the field the night before I left. The 5 gallon spring water jug I used was full the next morning. "You're gonna need a bigger boat." Two 5 gallon spring water jugs, one 5 gallon bucket (which I cleaned first), and a 17 gallon water tub for the horses filled to the brim all from one tree in about a week's time. I've got my work cut out for me. MissLuna was nice enough to swap out the containers while I was gone. The mason jar of syrup that I got from last night's batch is all the enticement I need. Anyone who's ever tasted pure syrup knows how amazing it tastes. The amount of sap varies slightly from tree to tree, but you get about a 16oz jar full from one 5 gallon bucket (40:1). I'm going to have more than a few jars when I'm finished which I'll make presents of. Giving is better. This is a work of fiction. All names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are the product of the author's imagination and are used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.