January 6, 2018, Marshfield, Massachusetts
Ugh, I went out last night and had three beers. That's a lot for me. It's so pathetic that I resorted to this, but I had to do something. Other than lobstering on Wed. I haven't talked to anyone in days (it's, now, Sat). I went to three different restaurant/bars. It was totally uneventful. I don't like to attach too much hope to things beyond my control, but I think once I start my new job next week which will allow me to regularly interact with other people I'll be able to shake this lonely cloud. Go figure. So sadly, I'm just trying to make it through the weekend. I'd like to do something social, but bars and drinking are lame. I'm embarrassed to admit that I got back on a dating site last night and I'm hating every moment of it, but I've been corresponding with this one young lady and I think it would be rude if I deleted my account even though this is exactly what I want to do.
What I've realized is that for a lot of people, maybe most, dating is about finding that special someone who fits into their life and who they can become closer to than anyone else, but what it has been for me is just searching for another person to have in my life, period, regardless of anything romantic. They're looking for someone in addition to their friends and family and I've been looking for somebody, anybody, just to talk to. That's a big difference. In hindsight, I don't think it's been fair of me to allow such a big difference in our intentions to exist. Of course, we had to be attracted to one another and stuff, but emotionally all I've wanted was to matter to someone, to be needed. These aren't complaints. Simply important observations. This explains why so many of my break-ups were so painful. My record is about 50/50. Half of them ended amicably and half ended like a train wreck with me desperately trying to salvage any form of friendship and closure. I still think about the last woman I had a relationship with every single day and that was 4 years ago. Even though I'm the one who has ended each relationship or made it clear that I wasn't interested in it becoming anything serious, losing the women I had in my life even for a short time wasn't just like losing a significant other. It was like losing my entire family which is why it was so painful to ever have these relationships end on bad terms. I always wanted to remain friends or, at the very least, say good-bye with honesty and understanding wishing one another well, but many of them didn't want this. In their defense, I should mention that in pretty much all cases I was the one who ended the romantic aspect of our relationship, not them. I'm such an ass. Though I tried to do it gently, I'm sure it still felt like rejection to them no matter how nice I tried to be. Adding insult to injury, I wanted to keep in touch and remain friends which further reinforces the fact that all I wanted/needed, in the first place, was any type of relationship with anyone, but, again, this wasn't fair to them. Like I said, for half of them, it was reasonably painless and we naturally went our separate ways while preserving a level or care and interest in the other's well-being, but the others wanted to walk out with the house burning down behind them and these have haunted me, unbearably at times. Even though intellectually, I understood this type of behavior because many people have had hard relationships, I still couldn't fathom emotionally how a person who said they loved you could go from having you be the most important person in their life to treating you like you didn't exist. Maybe this is why I've never written about them.
Alright, whatever, I didn't get enough love and attention growing up. So? Plenty didn't. I'm sure I'm not the only one this stuff applies to. I've heard it said that many promiscuous women often use sex just to make themselves feel wanted. Isn't this what we all want? To be wanted, to simply matter to those who matter to us. This is probably why I hate online dating sites. Every minute that goes by reinforces the message that I don't matter to my father, brother, family, etc. which is why relationships that ended like I didn't matter have hurt so much. At least, I'm finally learning why. As painful as they were, for what it's worth, at least, I was strong enough to not simply jump into a new one to numb the pain or turn on them and say hurtful things. I can't do this. I've gone years in between. I just have this bad habit of trying to do what I know is right even if it's a lot harder than taking the easy way out.
I'm not a saint. I even tried to have a one night stand once. She was a young ballet dancer who told me that all she wanted was sex assuring me that she doesn't get attached to people. It went against everything I ever believed in romantically, or thought I believed in, but even friends who were female were telling me that I needed to get laid seeing how miserable and alone I was still hanging onto the need for closure in my last relationship that had ended over a year prior. I deliberated about the opportunity I was being tempted with for a week or so then I resorted to throw caution to the wind and went through with it. Took her out to eat, got a motel room ahead of time then almost decided not to go through with it, but, at the last minute, she climbed across the front seat of my truck and we started kissing so we did the deed. It wasn't that great and I was totally freaked out for the rest of the night and the following next day by what I had done, but it was still one of the best things I ever did because it broke every rule I ever had about relationships which were causing me so much pain. To no surprise we saw each other again ...and again so technically it wasn't a one night stand. We saw each other for about six months, but she started falling in love and I had to end it -because I'm an asshole. No, I treated her very well and cared a great deal about her hoping she'd demand the same from the next guy, but it was completely impractical to try to make it into something it wasn't and this was something we agreed upon in the very beginning. We still kept in touch. I think she's still experimenting with sex and relationships even the whole poly thing, but we don't correspond that much anymore. It was three years ago. Whatever, she's a lot younger. Maybe it's fun for her, but that was enough for me. I'm not wired that way or maybe just too self-aware. I have a buddy who says "We're only as honest as our options" so maybe if I was a girl I'd be one of the ones looking for love in all the wrong places. Who knows. It's a lot harder for a guy. We have to go look for it. All an attractive woman has to do is give in to it and say "Ok" to one of the countless offers she gets everyday. I don't know. Maybe knowing she can get it whenever she wants makes a woman realize it's not about the physical aspect, but rather the emotional connection so it's not really an option. What else can she do?...other than write like an idiot on a computer screen to get through the weekend. I shouldn't speculate about things I know nothing about.
How long has it been? I still want to delete my account! But, I promised this perfect stranger that I wouldn't. I'm so sad. I'll wait until tomorrow morning then I'll write her and tell her I'm going to pass...in a very pleasant and respectful way. You can check to see if a person's read your message so once she does then I'll delete it. She doesn't seem that interested anyways. What do I know?
February 7, 2018, Marshfield, Massachusetts
Wow, I have like two hours to just relax and take a breath. Feels good. So this is life? Is this how most people live? And, by "most people" I mean most people who work for a living. Like a guy I know told me years ago when he and his wife were expecting their first child, but instead had twins "I feel like I boarded a train that took off from the station going very fast and hasn't stopped. I can look out the window and see everything wizzing by, but I can't get off." That's a good analogy. I get up for work around 2:30am and get there by 4. Today, I got done around 1:30pm which I think is the earliest I've gotten out since I started a month ago. One day, I worked 15 1/2hrs, but it's usually around 11 and it's salary so I'm not making more when I work more. So ya, I haven't had a lot of free time especially when it snows like, today, and I have to plow and shovel at my father's when I get done with work, but, at the moment, I'm tucked in nice and cozy up in the loft of my tiny house that I built a couple weeks ago. I knew I wasn't going to have enough time to finish designing and building a yurt this winter so I postponed construction on that 'til spring and threw this up in the meantime. I need to get a good night sleep with this schedule and there was no way that was going to happen in my father's house. I got a sizable raise at the farm last week which was an encouraging gesture so I'm going to tough it out a couple more weeks before having to ease up a little. I'm just trying to learn all the milk delivery routes before spring when I'll be doing more farm related work. We have 6 full-time drivers who deliver milk Monday thru Friday averaging about 120 stops each a day. Each of them has a different route for every day of the week, so that's 6 different routes per day, times 5 days a week and I've got to learn them all so that's 30 routes or about 4,000 stops plus we have one part-time driver who delivers Wed, Thurs. and Friday. I'm looking forward to baling hay, but I'm very happy to be have found this job and this opportunity.
February 25, 2018, Marshfield, Massachusetts
I've been lying here for a few minutes (enjoying the fact that I have a few minutes to lie here) trying to think of how to best use my time and energy for the next two days, i.e. the weekend, all the while feeling the slightest tinge of anxiety welling up inside because I am not doing something extremely productive at this very moment. Btw, I don't like that the word for knowingly saying something false and the word for allowing one's body to be horizontally at rest are the same word because I sware that I'm telling the truth when I say that I'm lying here in bed writing this. I'm opting to tell myself that it is ok to gather my thoughts for as long as I need to. There's nothing abosultely imperative that I need to be doing and having a clear head is invaluable.
The latest developments regarding my day to day life are that the one guy at work who I should be working the closest with hates me. Ok, hate is a strong word, really dislikes me...for no apparent reason. From what I've been told, he pretty much doesn't like anyone who he feels threatened by and from what everyone tells me he feels threatened very easily. Great. Things were going so well. I was finally done being on the milk trucks everyday, for a little while, at least, and focusing more on farm related work which is when I was confronted with this new situation. He's Brazilian and we just had another Brazilian who used to work for the farm a long time ago return this week so these two along with the brother of the returning guy and we were, all, working in a remote corn field on Thursday. This is a good time of year to trim back the dead trees and new saplings before all the leaves grow back so the woods don't encroach on the field.
Anyways, it was the first time that the owner's "right-hand man" and I had worked together and the three of them just ignored me all day laughing and speaking Portugese amongst themselves while I worked alone. It wasn't the end of the world so I just dealt with it. The uncomfortable feeling was strengthend by the fact that when I did try to talk to them, which was very little, they'd get all serious and give me short one word answers. Fun stuff. Like I need anymore social isolation in my life than I already have.
It's, now, Sunday. Taking advantage of the warm weather, I cleaned up the yard of my father's house, built a little kitchen area, installed a small gas stove and cooked dinner for the first time in my phonebooth.
The following morning after arriving at 4, getting the paper work and phone messages ready for our milkmen, cleaning up and organizing the loading dock a little, I made the decision to postpone going with the guys back to the field until I had a talk with the owner which we have been saying for weeks that we were going to do. I'm confident that I can fix the issue of the guys not liking me by taking a minute to really talk to them, but not until I establish a better working relationship with the owner. He and I get along great, but we haven't formed any type of routine, yet. Other than the few things I do in the morning, I have no immediate responsibilities. Everything is hinged on the owner and I never know when I'm going to see him or talk to him. For one thing, despite that I never know what I'm doing I've been averaging close to 60 hours a week and this needs to stop. I'm on salary so I'm not getting paid for all these extra hours. They gave me a substantial raise a few weeks ago when I discussed this with him and I was very thankful and appreciative of this, but I'm still working way too many hours during the slow season. I haven't had a moment to write or do anything else except work on my tiny house a little each evening, prepare for the delivery routes for the next day then fall asleep.
I've always done simple labor jobs to avoid complications and for the work out. They've allowed me the time and energy to work on my other projects, but this job with it's health benefits, retirement package and paid vacation might be taking more than I am able to give. I'm going to talk to the guys in the morning when they get in around 7 and, tonight, work on my notes for a meeting I'm going to ask to have with the owner.
March 18, 2018, Marshfield, Massachusetts
It's been way too long since I've written. The weeks seem to be flying by. Too bad the warm weather isn't getting here as quickly. March has been a tough month with two major storms and we're still not out of it, yet. Things at work haven't improved, but gotten worse. I never had a meeting with the owner though he insisted we would many times. I did, however, talk with him 2wks ago on a Saturday when I was in the office on my day off getting some stuff done and from that moment on things changed. I'm no longer one of his favorites. Knowing the conversation didn't go well, I went out and got him and his wife a gift certificate to their favorite restaurant (according to one of the nice ladies who works in the office) and a card. I haven't given it to them, yet, but I kind of feel like it's time for me to move on and I always like to give gifts when I leave a job if I like the people.
I'm a little scared to leave, but it's just not working out. I still don't have any clarity and don't enjoy what I'm doing. It's not farm work. I still do a good job because that's what I do, but I want to be happy not just collect a fat paycheck. I feel bad that my conversation with him didn't improve things, but, at least, I tried. If first you don't succeed, you keep trying until you do, but only if your efforts are welcomed and my aren't so I think it's time I tried something else. I'm going to give them the option of using me on a part-time basis doing things that are clearly defined like delivering all the wholesale milk to restaurants and stores or calling me in the summer when corn and hay season starts. But, I can't bounce around like a pinball doing what feels like clerical work like I've been doing. There's no clear communication between the different branches of the farm so I hear a totally different story everywhere I go, but no one's talking to one another about it and I'm trying to get along with everyone. It's too confusing and they're all aware of it, but they just opt to turn a blind eye and keep their jobs. I feel too thin-skinned for this type of position, but it's only because I don't have any authority. Instead, everything relies on my ability in diplomacy which I'm pretty good at, but it's starting to feel phony. People don't respect a "nice" guy, but they do respect a guy in a position of authority who is nice. I could handle it if it where my company or I had some power, but like this I'm powerless and that's just not me. Not to mention, I'm not getting any exercise.
I realize, like I have in the past, that my jobs have more of an effect on me than they would on most people because I live such a solitary life despite the fact that I've returned back here to take care of my father coupled with the fact that I have no time to meet new people and develop a social life. The people I work with end up being very important to me, almost like family, and naturally so if we're spending 5 out of 7 days a week together. To not care about one another, to me, is very unnatural though unfortunately it's too often the case in this day and age. One big dysfunctional family all stuck together because we need a paycheck. No thanks. Life's too short and relationships are too important to me. I've got plenty of other options and too much happiness to squander on a situation where things aren't improvable. Honestly, I don't think it's anyone's fault. It's just the nature of business in general. Money doesn't care about people. People care about people, but when money's the bottom line everything else comes second, or last. It's an imperfect formula. No one's to blame. The farm is a beautiful place and they have an amazing business with the highest quality products. Their milk is so good. What more could a person want, right?
They don't need me and, honestly, I don't need them, but we were crazy not to try and see if we could work together given our similarities and chemistry. Oh well, this is why I prefer simple heavy labor, no brainer jobs where I can just keep is simple and perfect whatever few responsibilities I have and do more than is expected. Otherwise, I end up seeing too many things that could be improved and want to improve them, case in point. At the moment, I'm 40hrs over my expected 50hrs/week salary position and gaining so I need to make a change. I'll save my brain for my writing and other creative projects and keep my job simple, straightforward..... and physically demanding. Some of us aren't looking for a sweet deal, just a fair one.
(footnote: He never compensated me for all my extra hours like he said he would and became very argumentative. Kept my $100 gift certificate though)
April 10, 2018
All things considered, I'm doing great which is kind of a weird seeing as I googled "best ways to kill yourself" last week. Well, no one said changing the world would be easy, or, at least, changing mine. A few minutes ago, I considered starting a new blog. The anonymity of this one has been compromised. It's my own damn fault. A couple of months ago, in a moment of weakness, I told a friend out in Cali who I went on a couple dates with about this. It was just a lame attempt to get some attention. She loved it and was honored that she was the only friend I've told, but it kind of backfired. She's a little crazy and sent me a very, very long email the other day, actually more than one, and off-handedly mentioned that she still enjoys reading my blog. I write here with no expectations. I wouldn't send all these ramblings to another person expecting them to read it all and respond. That's be crazy. I'm, also, not thrilled about her knowing nor giving her opinions on my deepest thoughts. No offense, but I'm crazy enough as it is. I think writing in a journal, or a blog, would be good for a lot of people, but you can't force someone else to read it. Oh well, my bad.
So ya, things are moving forward. I don't really want to kill myself. Never have though. Eff you if you're going to judge me for mentioning it. When you judge someone else, all you're really doing is dumping your unhappiness on them. I lost my best friend to suicide. He was suffering and didn't know what else to do so screw you if you're going to judge him, too. I never usually swear on here, but maybe I need a break from trying to be good all the time. I'm still the same person and I am a good person, but trying to be one is actually a form of judging myself so fuck that. I'm just going to be myself even more. Ya know, what's cool? I could actually tell you the name of my other blog that I kept for almost 20yrs and you could read it all you want, you could hate it, love it, I don't care, or you could tell whoever you wanted about it, but the people who used to read it have no way of knowing that this one exists. That's a trip. I got a lot out of the last one, but I have a feeling this one is going to be even more helpful. Should have thought of it sooner. Maybe the fear of judgment is what jails us all. I feel bad about calling my friend crazy, but she flips out on me at the drop of a hat and I just don't like walking on eggshells especially with someone who lives 3,000 miles away with whom I've never had an actual romantic relationship with.
Oh, I'm sorry. Did you think I was writing this for approval or advertising dollars? Uh no, this isn't a real blog. Sorry. This is for me. This is my diary. It's the closest thing to unconditional love I'm ever going to find so I'm going to make the most of it. Start your own if you don't like it. I'm going to prove to the world that hard work and having a good heart is all anyone should ever need to have a decent life.
Where was I? Moving forward, slowly but surely. Almost finished building a better floor for the tiny house this afternoon, but it's too cold to seal the joints. The caulking won't cure at this temperature so I'll have to wait until tomorrow which means tonight, I write. It's been too long because I couldn't get past the whole anonymity/judgment thing on the last one. If first you don't succeed....
Alright so, how can I improve things? I have all the ability, experience and even the resources (for a limited amount of time) to pull off what I'm trying to do, but it's going way too slow for one major reason and one major reason only. I'm so fucking lonely most of the time. All I need is a little social interaction in this stagnant world I'm stuck in. All I need is for someone to give a shit about me and I'll do the same for them, but days, weeks, go by without a fucking glimmer so what am I going to do about it, other than write here like a wuss? White people problems are so pathetic, but here's the catch. They're not actually white people problems. White people just happen to be the ones who have them at this time in history. They're human problems that any humans would have if they were in the same position. Unless you're living naked in the jungle somewhere, we're all part of the same problem. The most fortunate factor in my version is that I understand this and can work to do something about it that will address the bigger problem for all of us, not just the privileged whiny group.
But, right now, I need to focus on getting shit done to self-sustain and the only fuel in the tank I have, at the moment, is my ability to white-knuckle it. I'm so fucking alone that it's not even funny. Maybe this is what leaders go through at some point in their life who want to make a difference in the world. No, I'm not comparing myself to leaders. Relax. But, in order to find a new way, a better way, a person has to be willing to go it alone until they find it which I've been doing for decades at this point. And then, they have to make their way back to the herd in order to tell someone. Everyone else is going along with the old way and a lot of them, most of the people I know, are doing just fine...on paper. Pay attention because those three dots are the most important dots you're ever going to read here. On paper and real life are NOT the same thing. On paper means you're making it regardless of the fact that you might be completely miserable on the inside, empty or numb, but hey, you've got people around you so fuck it. At least, you're not a lonely little bitch like me.
Tonight, I should work on the farming documentary that I started last fall, now, that I've left my job and I have the time. It's spring and I'm going to be seeing a lot of the farmers I met last year when I moved back here and some of them are going to wonder what the heck I did with the interviews that I conducted. I had absolutely no time all winter because I was working like 60hrs a week and trying to build something warm to live in. Winter's over and, now, I've got the time. I need to finish it. If I could only sit still long enough without this anxiety welling up inside me as if the train that I'm supposed to be on is pulling out of the station and I'm sitting here knowing it's about to leave without me. Wtf, I was never like this. What happened?! I know what happened. People died and the few others forgot about or gave up on the things I thought we both believed in. Wah! I used to have so much drive that it was ridiculous. It was almost inhuman. I walked thousands and thousands of miles alone for christ's sake. But when you only have a few people in your life and you lose a couple of them in a few months, the floor kinda falls out from under you. I just need one teenie tiny bit of consistent social interaction and then I'm going to explode, in a good way, with productivity. I know it for a fact. I can feel it. It's like a volcano ready to blow, but instead of hot dangerous lava spraying everywhere it's going to be positive energy and love, as gay as that sounds -not that there's anything wrong with being gay. It pours out of me, already, sitting here alone a lot of the time giggly like a little school girl. I can't imagine what's going to happen when/if things improve in the slightest little bit.
Fuck it. I'm going dancing, tomorrow night. I heard there was country line dancing at some bar in Rockland, I think, on Wednesdays at 7, but normally I couldn't go because I had to be up by 3am to be at work by 4am. Now, I can. The south shore of Massachusetts' version of country line dancing. This should be interesting. Screw it. It's better than nothing.
Alright, I need to work on an outline/storyboard for the documentary. I'm praying that I'll fall asleep at reasonable hour while working on it rather than lying in the dark thinking awful thoughts for hours.
April 11, 2018
Ok, this seems to be working. I got to sleep at a reasonable hour, got up at a reasonable hour and have been getting shit done all morning. I've been a little pissed off, today, which may actually be contributing to my momentum and productivity, but I don't like it. The whole thing about finally focusing on getting the book done is because I'm finally so friggin happy so feeling pissed off like I have this morning doesn't support this. It might be partly due to the fact that I'm worried about money. I could easily go get a part-time gig somewhere to fix this, but I'm trying to be done working for other people. If everything works out like I hope I won't have time even for a part-time job in a couple months so then I'd have to quit and disappoint, yet, another person. I don't want to do this anymore!
I just got back from lowes (because they're a lot closer than home depot) with the rest of the insulation I need so I'll roll that into the floor bays, close it off with an additional a sheet of hard insulation, spray foam the edges and call it done. I don't think I have time to lift up the teenie house (I'm not calling it a "tiny house" because it's not on a trailer) and roll the floor under it, today, because I need to make sure I shower and get cleaned up for dance thing. I should probably shave my junk, too. I haven't done it this month and it's already the 11th.
I've barely looked at my phone all day so that's a good thing even though I got an email from a super hottie (who's just a friend) that I grew up with who's life seems to be a mess and I don't have time for her drama. I need to keep moving. I'll grab a quick lunch and head back outside.
April 12, 2018
Got a bunch more done, put my tools away, covered the floor with a tarp in case it rained, showered, shaved and headed to Rockland, got there a few minutes early and planned to pound a beer in my truck, but this donkey who had nothing better to do than to stare at me was standing outside by the door. He was probably smoking a cigarette. It was only 7 and still light out so I had to lean forward below the dash to drink it. Fucking pathetic. Technically, I wasn't doing anything wrong or illegal, but it still felt scketchy. I was so nervous that I was just trying to chill out. It was a sports bar full of narrow-minded massholes and I was there to dance. What the fuck. I don't even like to drink that much, anymore. One six pack usually lasts me a couple weeks.
Walked in. It was just a regular bar with stools, tables, booths, dart boards, a million tv's, etc. I got another beer just to blend in and assess the situation. I called before I left to make sure they were having the class and the guy who answered said they were, but I definitely wasn't going to ask, again. Then I noticed a couple of women walk in and go down a hall instead of towards the bar area who were wearing plaid shirts (of course). I walked down the hall and there was another section to the bar with a dance floor and a stage for when they have live music, I'm guessing. It was all middle-aged women. Not even middle-aged. Most of them looked like they were in their 60's. Great and, now, I was late so I navigated past the dance floor to the only high top table in the room on the other side and waited until the song they were dancing to ended. I grew a pair and walked over to the lady leading the class and asked if I needed to sign up or anything. She said "No, it's just 5 dollars, but if you want to join us you can be our guest." She asked me my name and introduced me to the entire class and said I'd be joining them. Shoot me, now. Not one dude in the room except me. I swear if some jack-ass from the bar walked back there to make fun of me I was going to knock him out. The lady and the women in the class were all very nice actually. It was an advanced class, yay. I had no idea what was doing so I stayed in the back, me and 15 older women. Livin' the dream.
Picture a skinny country boy, surrounded by....I'm not even going to say anything bad about them. They were out doing something fun which is more than most do. God love'em. No, I don't look Brad Pit, but I've worked on more farms and stables all over the U.S. than I could ever count, but I don't wear a wannabee cowboy hat. By the end of the night, I noticed all the dirt that had kicked off my boots. They are cowboy boots, but they're steel toe and I, actually, wear them to work sometimes. I bought them a few years ago when me and a bunch of guys piled into my suburban and made the two hour drive to the closest town to have a beer and a burger one night during the blueberry harvest in Downeast Maine, running tractors on 12hr shifts, 7 days a week for as long as it takes, usually 5 to 6 weeks. That's country.
It was painful, but I survived the dance class. It went from 7 to 10:30. I thought my brain was going to explode trying to mimick what their feet were doing for three and half hours. I think that was longer than they usually go. I tried to pay the lady, but she wouldn't let me. A bunch of the women commended me for not giving up because it was pretty obvious I had no idea what I was doing. Apparently there is more of a beginner class on Tuesdays so I'll try that if I can find a back door to enter from instead of going through the bar, again. One other man did eventually show up halfway through the class and they all knew him. He was a heavyset guy who looked like he worked in an office changing out of his dress shoes for his boots, but he knew like every dance they did, even taught us a new one at the end of the night when most of the people had left.
Whatever, I gave it a shot. Drove home, brain fried, thinking I should probably get a part-time job to take the pressure off. I'll tell them upfront that I can give 'em til September and no longer. Just to have someone to talk to, I thought about calling this little 21yr old cutie up in Maine who wants to bang my brains out and make babies, but I didn't. That wouldn't be cool. I'm done breaking hearts. It would only lead her on so I emailed her instead because I genuinely hope she's doing ok. She's been texting me a lot, lately. She just took a trip to Oregon to visit her aunt and got a little nervous traveling by herself. We hung out a few weeks ago when I was up in NH buying an old wooden sailboat that I'm going to fix up. I bought her dinner and got us a hotel room because a snow storm was about to hit, but she ended coming back to Mass with me the next morning and catching the train out of Boston. I didn't lay a finger on her even though she was prancing around in panties and a frilly top all night. I know she wanted me to, but I'm going to teach her that fucking dudes just to get male attention is not a good idea. I'm actually trying to be a supportive friend. We all need them. I could use one and, sure, I could definitely benefit from getting laid, but it's not worth it if you're only going to regret it afterwards. I don't do that.
April 14, 2018
Got the floor done, jacked up the tiny house, slid the floor under it and lowered it down. Now, it's time to build a funky curved roof. Originally, it was just a temporary place to crash since coming back from Alaska, but rather than disassemble it and reuse the wood for the cabin/yurt I was planning to build this spring I decided to sell it. Living in it for the past 3 months, I kept tricking it out more and more so it seemed a waste to take it all apart, now, but I built it with no floor to demonstrate thermal mass combined with the earth's temperature which I can't expect people to grasp so I had to build a nice insulated floor for it and, now, a more aesthetic roof rather than the flat one it has at the moment.
My pace is still slower than I'd like, but, at least, I'm making progress. I know it's just a human thing. The 21yr old wanted to come down, today, for the weekend, but luckily one of her dancer friends got sick and needed her to fill in for her in some show. I think it's modern ballet, but it could be burlesque. I was going to let her come down because I'm so damn lonely, but I don't think it would be a good idea in the long run. It would be nice to have some company for a little while, but she wants a lot more than that. She's not bad looking, but I'm very selective of who I have sex with and she isn't. I'm not being mean, but she's the only person I've been with in the last 4 years and she's been with like six dudes since then. Maybe that's not a lot to some people, but it is for me.
My buddy wants me to join him and his wife at a friend's house, a woman, for drinks, tonight. I warned him to stop trying to get me to hang out with them because I'll only offend someone in a matter of minutes. I hate being fake. He's a down to earth guy, but his wife and their friend are into material things and I'm not. I've worked my ass off for everything I have. Materialistic people make money. Hard-working people earn it and there's a big difference. I should probably take it easy and not spend a lot of money this weekend, anyways. Monday, I'm going to find a temp agency and pick up some part-time work so I'll have a little money coming in until I get the tiny house finished and sold. This should allow me to lighten the heck up.
I have a gift. I didn't ask for it and I don't go around talking about it, but I can't just ignore it so other people can live in denial or ignorance. I feel like everyone has it. It's just stronger in me than most so combined with a stubborn nature and a no fear attitude I either have to show people the way or stay away from them because they'll hate me for what I see and being hated isn't fun. I can feel other people's anxiety and unhappiness when I'm around them so I have to rise above it which takes a lot of energy or I can point my finger at the big fat elephant in the room which makes everyone wig out. I could be fake, but like I already said that is not an option.
May 7, 2018, Marshfield, Massachusetts
The idea is to minimize pain in the form of judgment, shame, anxiety, loneliness, basically feeling like hell which only occurs when I'm by myself for too long. I don't feel these things immediately. It takes a while, days, weeks, months, but that's the point which I finally realized. The fact that I learned how to survive for this long by myself and thought it was normal is something that I should have never learned in the first place, but I did which is probably why taking the road less-traveled was easier for me than it would be for most. So how do I unlearn it? It's not going to happen overnight because it's a byproduct of two things, my upbringing and our society. I can't really change either. The past is the past and society is a product of too many influences, but what I can do is change my life by first understanding my past while taking the good and leaving the bad and doing the same with society. At this point, I've got an excellent understanding of how I grew up with it's pros and cons, but this is only half the solution because I'm still stuck here where it all started. The other half is trying to reach people who live in the same society as I do. Hopefully, this won't take as long as the first half of my life because if it does I'll be a wrinkled old man by the time I have any friends or a place to belong. It doesn't matter. I wouldn't do that to myself. I'd put a stop to it while I'm still healthy and strong before sentencing myself to any more of this solitary confinement.
All I need is one to start with. Just one person, one friend, to build from. When this happens, I'll be able to exponentially prosper quickly. We all know people and, if we're open to it, once we matter to one person one friend naturally turns into two and so on. This doesn't mean that I won't have to work for a better life. I certainly will, but working is easy for me. I love it. It's just that, right now, it's going way too slow to build any momentum from. It's like trying to tread water in outer space. There's no resistance. No matter how hard I kick and flail I can't move. I'm just using up a lot of energy, but getting no where. If I really were treading water, the motion of my arms and legs would leverage the resistance created by the density of water which would keep me from sinking. I sound like a mad scientist, but without resistance which on social terms is basic relativity to other human beings whether mental or physical a person will sink and drown. The ocean I am drowning in, right now and have been, is isolation. I've been sinking into the abyss of my life, a relationshipless sea of 7 billion people. It may sound impossible when there are that many people on the planet, but the sad thing about our culture is that it isn't. But as soon as I find one single person to be friends with, a relationship, i.e. relativity, will immediately be formed giving my life a reference point allowing me to hit the ground running. It's like holding the Energizer Bunny up in the air versus placing him/her on the ground and watching him go.
There can be no up without down, no east without west and no me without you. Yes, people can live alone. I've done it. I've spent years alone in the wilderness and in society, but eventually it takes its toll on a person if they have no relationships. It's just not healthy or human to live like this. I love nature and animals and have a strong connection with them. I could be reasonably happy if I were to leave it all behind and vanish into the wild like a wolf or a stray dog never to be seen, again, but I need people if I want to be more than reasonably happy and I do. The idea of a lone wolf is a sad work of fiction. Wolves live in packs. They are very social creatures and so are humans, so am I. I cannot make it any further alone. As a boy someone or something convinced me that I needed to make it all by myself without anyone else. This was an awful thing to teach a child. I've come a long way and I've finally found happiness, but it will die with me if I can't find others to share it with.
It's a surreal existence to have both happiness and pain battling over my existence, but it makes perfect sense once I accept that I am a human being naturally wired to be social and a person who was programmed from an early age to not need anyone. We all need people to be completely alive so in the meantime I sit alone in the forest like a four-leaf clover beside a trail waiting for someone to pass by and notice me, someone who goes for walks in nature, someone like me who has the time. Finding someone like this in our society isn't easy, but I believe it is possible so in the meantime I will use every ray of sunlight and every drop of rain to hang on. Thank God it's spring. I'm not just sitting on my ass. I've been plugging forward with my projects and trying to get out and meet people any way I can, good people, healthy people. If I don't make it, there will be no judgment. A dying plant does not beat itself up about the fact that it didn't get enough sunlight.
This is not a work of fiction. However, names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.